4 Resources to Turn to After a Divorce

I try to allow this little space where I can openly share and be vulnerable about topics sometimes we do not talk about.
I share on here frequently about my experience of divorce as a young Catholic and dating.
Today I want to share a post with you on helpful resources if you or someone in your life is navigating the pain of a divorce.
If this applies to your life, I hope you are encouraged and feel less alone.-----------------------
I was 30 years old when I went through my divorce.
I remember one particular Sunday when I was having a rough day. I felt overwhelmed by my feelings of sadness and fear how life would ever be beautiful again. I just wanted someone to see the pain in my eyes and reach out to me. I remember going to church - I just put my head on the pew in front of me and began to weep.
I wanted my Church to support me in what was the most painful experience of my life.

Honestly, there were times I felt forgotten and not cared for as a young Catholic going through a divorce.
Where would I find the resources to navigate this chapter in my life? Were there any support groups I could attend and find a community? What were the books to read that would both help me heal and take responsibility for my part in the marriage?
I am now four years past that chapter in my life and can offer some resources that I have found helpful in my own healing journey when I went through my divorce.
For me these things looked like finding a support group, reading the right books, going to counseling, and seeking to forgive my former husband.
You can read more about them over at Grotto Network . . .

You are not the only Catholic navigating this difficult path.
You are not alone and the Church is here to walk with and support you.

The Struggles of Going Through a Divorce While Young

After my divorce in 2016, there was no shortage of trying days in the immediate aftermath.
One particular day jogs my memory. It was Good Friday of 2016. 
At the time I was still working in youth ministry. I was helping during the Triduum with various tasks associated with the different liturgies.
One of my favorite parishioners, a sweet older woman named Joan came up to me. She knew me from when I was an altar server at my home parish, where she used to attend. I always saw her as my "church grandma".
With kindness in her eyes, she asked me, "Patty, are you okay? Where is that handsome husband of yours? I see something in your eyes and I just wonder - are you okay?"
I had to take a deep breath to choke back the tears which started to bubble up in my throat.
I reached out to give her a hug and softly whispered in her ear, "Well Joan, I am not married anymore to him. We got a divorce and I am navigating life in a different way right now."
She gave me the biggest bear hug that felt so reassuring to me.

Going through a divorce at any age is hard and difficult. I do not think people who find themselves in this situation ever dream or imagine it could happen to them.
I got married at twenty-six and by the time I was thirty, I was divorced.

What are some of the frustrating struggles of going through a divorce at a younger age?

For me, there were a handful of things that were especially difficult about navigating divorce as a young Catholic.

• Wondering if the hopes and dreams for marriage and a family would still happen someday.
• Fear about doing life on my own for the first time in life.
• Worry over financially providing for myself.
• How would I navigate dating again after my annulment?
• Wondering how I would learn to trust myself and trust men.
• How would I get through the lonely days and nights?
• How would I navigate the big feelings and emotions that would come as the weeks passed?
• Would people in the Church criticize or judge me and the choice I made?
• How would I thrive and not just survive?

There are plenty more I could include. Perhaps you relate to some of these or if you know someone who would feel a similar way.

No matter the struggles you bump into as a young Catholic navigating a divorce, do this one thing  . . .

Surround yourself with people who carry hope for you.

Fill your life with people who will carry hope for you: about your future, the dreams you have for your life, etc. Ask family members to remind you of this promise on those messy, sad days that good things are coming. God has not - and will not - forgotten you.

Ask them to carry and hold on to hope for you when it feels impossible to believe or have hope yourself.

Yes there are struggles that will arise, but they do not have to wipe you out.

You can do this.

You are not the only person who is going through this situation.

You are not alone.

What to Say to Catholics Going Through Divorce

I try to use my little space here responsibly; to share with authenticity and talk about painful topics sometimes we don't know what to do with in the Church.
If you have been around here for awhile, you know at the age 30 I went through a divorce, annulment, and in time began the process of learning to date in a new way. My life is radically different from those years.
I think my experience of those things as a young Catholic woman is a perspective not very common in Catholic circles.
As I have done my own healing work, I've realized God can use my experience to encourage or share hope with other Catholic women in a similar situation.
Over the last few years, I have begun to write and share from that season of my life. I receive a steady stream of emails from Catholic women looking for help, resources, and a place for their voice to be heard and pain to be seen.
In the last week, I came across some blog posts I had published with the CatholicMatch Institute on the experience of divorce as a young Catholic. I offer them here for you; whether you a navigating this in your own life or you have a friend or family member facing the pain of divorce.

Sometimes when we have not walked a particular experience or situation, we don't know how to respond because that has never happened to us. I have heard this again and again from other Catholic women who have gone through a divorce.
There are some helpful and not so helpful things to be aware of when walking with someone in your life going through a divorce.
There have been plenty of times where the many good people in my life have offered me advice that challenged me and helped me grow. At the same time, there have been incidents where people offered advice that was less than helpful or just plain insensitive.
In a particular way, I think for divorced Catholics, receiving helpful or hurtful advice can be sensitive to navigate. When I was navigating my own divorce and annulment, I was very fortunate to be surrounded by an army of friends and family who loved me and walked alongside very closely through the pain of those years.
Thankfully, I only had one experience of a friend who said something hurtful and unkind in regards to my circumstances.
Sadly, I know this is not the case for everyone else.
There are some important things to keep in mind. You can read more about them over at CatholicMatch Institute . . .

(Another post discussing The Struggles of Going Through a Divorce While Young may be helpful or encouraging to someone in your life). 
I never claim to be an expert in any of this but I know I am not the only Catholic who gone through this. 
I hope if that is you (or someone close in your life) it speaks to where you are and helps you feel seen and heard.

God Can Bring a Greater Good out Your Divorce

The other day I was on a radio interview for our local Catholic radio station.
I was sharing about a new divorce recovery group that begins tonight where I work.
Having gone through a divorce and the annulment process myself, I see a real need to better help Catholic men and women who are trying to figure out what to do and where to find help.

When I accepted the current job I have, the pastor asked me what were new, creative ideas that I wanted to try and offer at the parish. 
Almost immediately, I expressed the need to offer this type of group, as they are so needed today.
My own experience led me me to visit a support group once at a nearby, large Catholic church. But it was such a negative experience, I ended up going to a support group at a big non-denominational church in the area.
I was frustrated when I didn't see the Church doing more to help people who have been in this situation. 
If we want to be the Church Jesus desires, we have to be willing to walk with and accompany people through the painful, messy experiences of their lives.

Looking back on those years, one of the concepts that was difficult for me to accept was that (somehow) God could use the experience of a divorce for a greater good in my life. That doesn't mean I advocate for people to walk away from their marriage, though I do believe sometimes that is the best option.
As I talked and prayed through that concept with people in my life I began to see that, yes, God could even use my marriage ending for a greater good in my life and in the wider church community.
I share more about that experience over at the CatholicMatch Institute.
READ THE REST HERE.

PS If you wouldn't mind saying a prayer for our group starting tonight, I would so appreciate it. :) 

The Man You Love is Addicted to Porn. Now What?

The effects of living in a highly sexualized culture continue to have devastating effects on both men, women, and our relationships.
When this painful reality was what I faced in my marriage, I was so frustrated initially because I did not know where to find help or get good resources.
I am writing over at FemCatholic today sharing resources to encourage and empower women who find themselves in these situations.
Even if this is not your reality, I would encourage to read and learn more because it is highly likely you know someone whose life or relationships have been impacted by this.
READ THE ARTICLE HERE . . .

Mending the Heart (A Book Review!)

I remember it very distinctly, the day I decided I could no longer stay in my marriage. 
It was the beginning of November, and the week of Thanksgiving I moved back home with my parents for a time as I figured out my next steps.
I felt like a failure and very relieved all rolled into one. I remember thinking, "What would people think of me once they knew? If the parish youth minister can't make a marriage work, well then who can? Would people judge my decision to leave without knowing the Hell I just lived through?"
I went through my divorce and the annulment process two years ago, and wish a book like this was around for me at that time.
I love the Catholic Church, but it makes my heart sad that we have had so few resources for men and women navigating the pain of a divorce. Not to mention there is still such poor understanding on what the Church actually teaches on divorce, annulment, and re-marriage.
Lisa Duffy, a well-known Catholic speaker and writer, has a brand new book releasing today. Mending the Heart: A Catholic Annulment Companion is such a gift to those who are divorced and contemplating going through the annulment process.

I was so honored to receive a copy to read and write a review for the book.
Even if divorce has never personally touched your own life, I think this book is a great thing for every Catholic to read. For your own understanding yes, but also because it is very likely you will come across people in your life who could benefit from these words.
One of the things I love most about Lisa's writing are her personal sharing and compassion in understanding the pain of divorce. She is very affirming that God sees and wants to bring healing even after something as traumatic as divorce:
"Despite all the heartbreak of losing your marriage, God wants to heal you."
"The pain I endured for so many years felt as though it should have killed me, and at times I thought it would. But it didn't If the pain and suffering is so terrible that it feels as though you'll die, but you continue to live, it means there is hope, there is a future, and God still has good things in store for you."    (Ohhhhh sister, do I relate to THIS!)
And it is because of this pain and hurt, Lisa writes, that the Church offers the annulment process: "...so that you can look beyond what a civil court has ruled and the social implications of divorce to what the actual spiritual reality may be." 
I think too often we sometimes forget the most important place to start in walking alongside people in pain, is acknowledging their wounds and hurt. So let us always begin there first, before you say anything else. 
Lisa does a great job giving a simple breakdown of the annulment process, which unfortunately can be very confusing for Catholic and non-Catholics alike: "Using the details you provide about your marriage relationship, the people involved in the annulment process - you, your ex-spouse, and the canon lawyers - can create a big picture scenario to determine whether or not a valid marriage was brought into being on the day of your wedding."
She does a great job explaining tricky concepts like the difference between valid and sacramental or what is a valid marriage bond.

Equally important as explaining the theology, is breaking down hurtful, insensitive myths regarding divorce and annulments. 
No, the Church is not saying your marriage relationship never existed. The Annulment Process is NOT just a moneymaker for the Church.  Getting an Annulment will make the children illegitimate. FALSE!
When we bust through these and other myths, I think it makes the hearts of people more receptive to the truth and beauty of what the Church teaches.

A sensitive, pastoral concern is the number of couples who are divorced, civilly remarried, and wanting to be in full communion with the Church. 
Lisa does a fantastic job explaining why the Church asks couples in these situations to refrain from Holy Communion: "First, the Church's standards are specifically set in place to help us achieve the happiness we search for all our lives. When the Church tells us we need to wait until the annulment process is complete and a declaration of validity or invalidity is made before getting married, she is actually looking out for our best interests, even if it seems really hard to wait."
Lisa also gives the reader a step-by-step walk through of the annulment process, which I think answers a lot of questions people have that can hold them back from even starting the process. She also explains the different grounds Canon Law gives that could decide a marriage is not valid.
One of the things I found most encouraging as a divorced woman myself, was the section on how to heal and move forward after the pain of a divorce. 
Lisa gives honest, practical ways for Catholic men and women to stay connected through to the Church and begin their own healing journey back to wholeness. Stay close to the sacraments. Honestly, I cannot imagine getting through this type of trauma without them.
I actually completed all my writing for the annulment questions in Eucharistic Adoration. Why not do the hard, heavy work with Jesus? He can totally handle it.

I have personally benefited from Lisa's other books and was grateful to attend a training she did on starting a divorce recovery group in parishes. 
It has actually inspired me to start such a group at the parish I currently work at and I have just completed training in my diocese to be a lay advocate. This means as a lay woman I can help people with their own annulments. 
The healing work I have done, the more it leads me to write and speak on my own experience and in some small way be an advocate to support women who were in very similar shoes I was in.
I am looking forward to helping others walk through the process, as it was so healing for me.

You can find out more about Lisa' writing, speaking, and personal coaching here.
Thank you for supporting her great work and ministry to the Church!

The Church Was My Safe Haven During My Annulment

One of the amazing things about the Internet are seeing different ways people are creating beauty and goodness and using their gifts in creative ways.
I have been following the beautiful of Corynne Staresinic at The Catholic Woman for awhile now.
So when she asked me to write on my experience of divorce and annulment as a young Catholic woman, I was so honored to share my voice in her ministry.


Head over HERE to read the rest of the story ...




If you are not familiar with The Catholic Woman, I would highly encourage you to check out the work of this ministry and follow them on social media.

Dear Lysa, God doesn't hate you because you are divorced.

I had some really exciting news last week. 
I learned an article I submitted to America Magazine was going to be published. #cuedancinginmyoffice You think I am kidding? That really happened.
I've had several people in my life encourage me to start to do more freelance writing, so it was encouraging to learn my first pitch will actually be published.
The title? God hates divorce. But He doesn't hate divorced people. 
The words come from a time I met with the vice rector (now one of our regional bishops) of our local seminary. Since then, those words have taken root deeply inside me as I look around and see a gaping hole when it comes to pastoral care for divorced people or those with irregular marriages in the Catholic Church.
I prayed those words over Lysa TerKeust this week as I learned she is divorcing her husband after learning he was unfaithful with a women he met online. I am sad for her, her husband Art, her kids and grandkids. 
Having made such a decision myself, I know she didn't make it lightly.
On the day I would have been married for five years, I just find myself thinking about this woman I'll probably never meet and what she has to be thinking and feeling, especially as one who is in the public eye.
There will be some people who will question her decision or say there are never Biblical grounds for divorce. And there may be some who say you can only walk away if circumstances meet certain grounds. Some will say she was brave for leaving and some may say she was a coward.
And while I wish the best for this suffering family in such a painful time, I am yet reminded of the great need there is in the Church today for so many people who are hurt, wounded, and suffering.
All of us, all of "them".  The alcoholics, ragers, cheaters, sex addicts, marriages in crisis, abused, divorced, drug addicts, etc.
Pope Francis has used the image before of the Church as field hospital on the battlefield: "The thing the church needs most today is the ability to heal wounds and warm the hearts of the faithful; it needs nearness, proximity. I see the church as a field hospital after battle. It is useless to ask a seriously injured person if he has high cholesterol and about the level of his blood sugars! You have to heal his wounds. Then we can talk about everything else. Heal the wounds, heal the wounds...And you have to start from the ground up."
My own lived experience is calling me to speak into a specific area I see a desperate need for greater support and pastoral attention. I am not really sure how what it will look, but bit by bit the Spirit is lighting something up in me that's not dimming anytime soon.
Like the Pope said, I want to do my own little part to help heal the wounds of hurting people...especially people who traveled a similar path that I have.
It feels weird to say, but I almost feel like going through a divorce has expanded my heart a hundred fold for people on the margins; people who facing great pain, suffering, and struggle. 
In a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce sometimes the commitment of marriage can look scary or that it cannot be done. One the most numbing experiences is to start to listen to the subtle whispers of the Evil One..."You'll never have a good marriage"...."you can't do this right"..."no one will ever love you." To enter into that inner dialogue never bears any good fruit and is spiritually dangerous.
I know sometimes I can catch myself feeling overwhelmed or anxious about not being able to have a healthy, life-giving marriage someday. I mean who wants to repeat the same mistake and get another divorce?
Today I would have been married 5 years. Its funny looking back I still remember the day crystal clear, but now I can look back with a healthy level of detachment and acknowledge it as a chapter in life.
I thought today would always be one the happiest days of my life and it sucks that it didn't turn out that way for me. But that doesn't mean I'll never get it right someday.
Today I just keep thinking about another sister in Christ whose walking a path she'd never thought she would have to travel...
Lysa, I hope you are surrounded with support and love from every angle. I hope you find an amazing counselor that will help you deeply forgive Art, forgive yourself, heal, and accept and grow from this painful reality.
Yes, God hates divorce. But He doesn't hate you. You are brave for leaving. And you'd be just as brave for staying too.
The heartbreak and pain of divorce are something our Father cares passionately about. They are deep, painful wounds that need healing and care. Don't run away from these wounds.
Because just like the sacred wounds of Jesus bring us our freedom, facing these painful wounds will profoundly and radically change you if you let God lead the work.

3 Myths About Catholics & Divorce

Life doesn't always go the way we plan.
Sometimes our greatest dreams do not turn out the way we hoped.
Case in point, the title of this blog post. 
Going through a divorce and receiving an annulment have taught me more about myself, relationships, and life than I ever thought. Like x100.

Yes God hates divorce, but He does not hate divorced people.
I believe He can even use the ending of marriage to bring about a greater good.  How? Because I see it playing out in my own life.

I hope my experience can be an encouragement to someone else who is on a similar journey.
READ THE REST HERE ...

365 later.

Life is really different than it was a year ago today.
A year ago today I wore a black skirt with a blue blazer. I walked into a court room with my parents. A judge asked me to verify I was not pregnant and if this marriage was beyond repair. I faintly uttered a soft "yes."
Later that night, I went out to dinner with my siblings. I was in the car and my brother-in-law reached  to the back seat and squeezed my hand and said, "You will be okay Patty. You'll be okay."


Even when I most have felt like I am not gonna be okay or that the sadness was too much, David was right. I am going to be okay.
Life feels uncertain in other ways, but I am going to be okay.


I'm living on my own (actually for the first time ever! #icecreamfordinner ;). 
I've been going to counseling and reading recovery books like its a second full-time job.
I am going to a divorce ministry training with some ladies from church in hopes to start a divorce recovery group where I work.
I am talking with a friend in hopes to work together to create some kind of presentation and/or supportive network to women in relationships where the man is addicted to porn...how to support and empower these women in a difficult situation.
I joined an awesome parish.
My annulment went through.
I am in regular contact with women around the country in a similar situation I was and meeting more Catholic women who have went through a divorce.


But sometimes I still get easily overwhelmed and want to jump in bed and pull the covers over my head. The past several days I've been riding the struggle bus.
Who am I kidding. I was DRIVING the freaking struggle bus...because why else would I eat a pint of ice cream on a Saturday night? 
Last night I called my Mom...cause sometimes you just need to talk to your Mom. I blubbered and cried: I'm excited but really, really nervous to date again, struggling with loneliness sometimes, and facing disappointment of not getting a job I really wanted that I thought was God's will for me. 
I get anxious sometimes worrying how long it will take to pay off my school loans and wondering how the budget will balance each month or how long I'll have to live with things so financially tight.




Life is always evolving and changing and sometimes I feel like I cannot keep up. But then again its not my job to be in control of my life either.

A year ago today my prayer was to not let the hurt and sadness drown me. And it hasn't.
Today my prayer is the prayer of abandonment.

Father, I abandon myself into Your hands; do with me as You will.
Whatever You may do, I thank You;  I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only Your will be done in me and in all Your creatures. I wish no more than this, O Lord.
Into Your hands, I commend my soul;  I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love You, Lord, and so need to give myself, to surrender myself into Your hands without reserve and with boundless confidence, for You are my Father.




So here's to living this more and more in each day...
And to whatever the next 365 days hold.

Labor, Death, & New Beginnings

Last Friday I had lunch with my favorite professor from graduate school. Her classes were always the ones I learned a lot and was most challenged. She has become kind of a mentor to me and has stretched my faith in many different ways. She taught me how to wrestle with ideas and ask hard questions, you know the good kind that make you think.
Towards the end of our lunch meeting (our seminary has the BEST food!), she asked me what were my hopes and dreams for the next 5, 10 years. I told her: write a book, new opportunities in ministry, remarriage at some point, devote energy to causes I am passionate about, etc.
She just smiled at me and said, "Well Patty, don't be surprised if God wants to use all you've been through in each of those area's.
Over the weekend, I received a letter I have been waiting for. It was from our diocesan tribunal with an affirmative decision in regards to my marriage, meaning the annulment went through. No its not a "Catholic divorce" rather an investigation has shown it was never a sacramental marriage to begin with for many reasons.
I found myself going back to my professor's words over the lunch table on Friday as I re-read the letter, so grateful and relieved to finally close the chapter on that relationship.

Sometimes in Scripture childbirth is used as a metaphor for the suffering of God's people as they await delivery in hope. Trials and persecutions are spoken in terms of labor. The point of these analogies is that these sufferings result in new life being born from the old.
Labor from what I hear from my married friends is a lot of mental and physical suffering. But at the end, you have this beautiful, soft, cozy little one to snuggle with and love on. 
Jesus never promised us ease or comfort. He told us life would be hard and that we would encounter and face suffering, of all kinds. But suffering is like the seasons, it is temporary...just like the labor of a Momma fiercely working to bring her baby into the world. Labor won't last forever, it is just for a time.
The temporary suffering will at some point give way to new life and joy. Like a woman in labor, birth pangs happen so new life can be birthed into existence.
Life is constant journey of birth, death, labor, and new beginnings. We all will experience them throughout our life, some easier and some much more painful than others.
New life always is born from the old life. New life comes out of the suffering and pain. New life always comes out of our labor; whether physical, emotional, or spiritual.
Sometimes things have to die so that something stronger can be built. I am not entirely sure yet what will be built stronger in me as a result of all of this. 
But it is exciting to imagine and dream about.

I don't know what will be born in me from the last three years of my life, but I do know one of God's favorite acts is to take broken things and make them new again.
And I cannot wait to see how that unfolds in these new beginnings...

Three Truths I'm Clinging To (while waiting on the annulment process)

While it has been a little over 2 months since my divorce was finalized, it still like it happened ages ago. That same week I turned in a lot of paperwork to begin the process for an annulment.
While annulments are specific to only Catholics, I think they can often get a bad rap and can be confusing for folks to understand (both Catholic and non-Catholic alike). 
While a divorce is a civil judicial act that legally ends a marriage, an annulment is an ecclesiastical (fancy word for church) determination where what was believed to be a valid sacramental, Catholic marriage is declared to never have been a marriage in the first place. 
So really what that means is the day a couple got married, it looked like a marriage took place and it appeared they both had the proper intent and will to live these vows. However, in a thorough investigation, there can be found reasons and/or circumstances that can prove a marriage never really happened (making it null) at all.
Never really having known anyone growing up who was divorced or went through the annulment process, I wasn't really sure what to expect going through it myself.
It is mostly paperwork where one of the parties answers questions and tells the story leading up to and during the marriage. Witnesses are also submitted who share their own written statements. Think of it like a church court case.

After a case is submitted, you basically just wait, which is where I am right now. I am waiting for the Church to investigate and look into my unique situation. Annulments can take up to a year and sometimes they go a little longer or a little shorter. But I am in no rush. I am kind of grateful for the length of time it takes because it gives me more built in time to continue to work on myself and do my healing work.
As I worked on my annulment paperwork over the past winter months, I found myself clinging to the same truths over and over again. Wherever you are in life we all need some truth to cling to. If you're in a hard season of life that seems painful or waiting or scary or growing or changing-I think these truths are good for all of us wherever we are on the journey of life. So here are the truths that I'm clinging to as I wait on the annulment process.

1. I'm believing that God is enough.

In April, I went to a day of formation for youth ministers. It was glorious. The priest leading it shared some words of St. Francis of Assisi that I had never heard before: "God, You alone are enough for me." It has stayed with me since then. I often find myself saying those words aloud as I'm driving or reminding myself when I am having one of those no-good-terribly-awful days.
God alone is enough. I really wish I could have learned this awhile back and not in such a painful way, but starting to believe these words to my core is changing me in the middle of everything. And for that I can be grateful.

2. I'm believing God's plan is bigger and better than what I can see right now.

There are days I hate the reality I am in, days I want to be like Job's friends and not like Job so much.
Right now I am going through my favorite gospel, John. The other night I was reading the story of Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead. I had such a new, fresh personal insight to this miracle. I used to always focus on the part where Martha chews Jesus out, "Lord, if you had been here my brother would not have died!" How many times since and even more before my divorce did I ask God why. I never realized the answer is in the rest of the story.
When Lazarus was dying, and the messengers came to ask Jesus to come and heal him, Jesus already knew he was going to let his friend die. He knew he was going to use Lazarus's death to work such a miracle that faith in God would be ignited all over the countryside. Jesus knew this terrible tragedy would be used for a greater good, for the ultimate glory of the Father. And Martha and Mary would not be able to understand this until later. I cannot tell you how hard I cried (more like sobbed) thinking about this in relation to me, that God could use the pain of a divorce for a greater good and would even use it to glorify the Father.  I guess that is the power of radical grace and mercy at work.

3. I'm believing God doesn't take me to the desert to leave me there. 

My all-time favorite book of the Bible is Exodus. I never get tired of reading and thinking about how much the story of Israel is my story too.
Like the Israelites, God doesn't take us to the desert to leave us there. He uses it to purify and strengthen us. God used those 40 years in the desert to break Egypt out of Israel's heart. And he uses the desert in our lives to break us of our control, pride, and teach us how much we need Him. 
It is not God's nature to bail on us. When He takes us to places of suffering or pain, it is to use it for our good and His glory. His plans are good, His ways are perfect.
The wandering years ended for Israel. And the desert for us is just a temporary place as well.

Whatever your present looks like, I hope you have lasting truths you're clinging to.

On Entering a Season of Mercy.

Lent begins just over a week. In early December, the Catholic Church entered the Jubilee Year of Mercy, a year to focus, reflect, and celebrate the great mercy of our God.  Different pieces of life around me are entering new seasons of mercy. 

Mercy. Such a simple word, but yet complex and rich with meaning. The coming 40 days of Lent are a time to examine our hearts and minds under the light of God's mercy. I know I am entering a season of mercy. I find myself deeply searching my heart and asking God to illuminate the broken, unmerciful parts of my heart, especially as I go through the divorce and annulment process.
I feel the word mercy is one of those spiritual concepts where we mentally get on some level. But the translation of that from our head to heart, is often not so easily understood. I can theologically explain God's mercy, but I don't always show it to myself or other people around me. I cannot be merciful to others until I experience the mercy of the Father in my own life. And oh how I need it.
I need God's mercy to cover every area of my life:

• to break my self-righteous, judgmental heart
• reveal my selfishness and pride
• break the desire to want to blame and shame
• when I think I better than other people
• bring to light my resentment and anger
• to be able to lavishly pray from heart for those who have hurt or misunderstood me

I want my life to live out of an abundance of God's mercy--not scarcity.
I need grace to be able to show and extend mercy to my husband, to pray for his well-being, healing, and wholeness even as we begin to separate our lives. I refuse to let bitterness and angry to color the way I look at him. I cannot hold him fully responsible for our marriage ending. 
I need grace to be able to pray from the heart for his parents, with whom at times its been difficult and felt hurt by their lack of support and encouragement in the middle of our pain. I am so grateful I took the time to write them a letter asking their forgiveness for ways I was harsh, judgmental, or unloving because of the pain I was experiencing. I want to show true mercy. 

God's timing is amazing and humbling all at the same time. All going on in my life is falling in this sacred year of mercy. I'm leading a group for World Youth Day to Poland and the theme is Mercy. In the middle of personal pain, confusion, and sadness God's mercy is all around me, swallowing me up whole. 
It is a time of mercy in life... to lavishly show it to others and deeply experience it from God.
by offering more occasions during the week so that the faithful can go to confession and live the

The Hardest Peace

This past summer, I read one of the most profound books of my life by a woman who was living (and has since died) from a terminal cancer diagnosis. In it, Kara writes and shares on how she expected to find grace and goodness in the midst of life's hard.
For Kara, the hardest peace was to accept the reality of her disease and knowing it would take her far too soon from the people she loved most. Her story has spoken the power of faith into so many lives, both in her living and dying. The hardest situations in life are the ones we never dreamed of happening to us. 

It it is with great sadness, I am in the process of getting a divorce from my husband. We have spent much time, money, and energy both individually and collectively in working to heal. I have been praying and begging the Lord for over a year to make clear what I am to do. And after much personal prayer, discernment, and wise counsel, I am convicted there is not anything else left to do. It is sad and painful but there is peace in the decision; the hardest peace I have ever experienced in my life.
In this space, I certainly have never wanted to paint this image that we had it "all together." Because we never did, and really none of us have it all together. I never was going to over share the realities of what was going on in our marriage, it never felt right for a variety reasons. While never going into the details, I have reflected on how perfectly imperfect our marriage has been or how brokenness in relationships can be a messy, painful thing to work through. 
I was debating if I should stop blogging here or create a completely new site because of this new sad, unexpected life change.  But then I realized, I am not going to hide away in shame or fear of what other people think of me or would say. That is totally fear based, and I refuse to live my life in that manner. Even if I am not married, there are still many invaluable lessons I have learned in and through our marriage that I am grateful for. God will use all this in His plan and purpose for my life. It will not define me, but will only become a chapter in the story of my life. 
One thing God has taught me through this whole process is that I truly cannot judge any other person in this world. With the situation I find myself in, I could easily take it personally and feel hurt if people were to offer "free advice" or make assumptions without having walked in my shoes. Humility is a funny thing. God kicks me off my high horse to remind to not judge others but only love them. Love them as He would, with crazy amounts of grace, not judgement or harshness. All that is going on in my life now is such a tangible reminder to look at others with love and grace first, never in judgement.
I am not going to use this space as sounding board to work through the process of divorce and annulment, but I will write on it from time to time here. I have loved writing since I was a little girl, and still want to cultivate this little space on the Internet. But it will not become solely a place for me to vent or deal with life. I want to still offer and share things that would be of value and inspiration to others.
I am thinking of maybe writing a series in the future on divorce and/or annulment in the Catholic Church, as those are things that can be very mis-understood today. In the coming months, as everything becomes finalized (and as I work through the annulment process) I just ask for your prayers: that God would use this difficult, painful time to bring about greater healing and wholeness in both the lives of myself and my husband.

"In the most painful fear and hurts of our lives, will God be good? Is Jesus really good in the awful of cancer, fire, heartbreak, and devastation? In the face of all that is broken, is God good?
"In every season of our lives, we meet the edges of life we never expected. The unexpected pain of life often leaves us with the only choice of how we will endure it. We all have unexpected hard, but how do we face it? Trust God that the story is good." -Kara Tippetts, 'The Hardest Peace'


Yes God is good even in the pain of failed marriages. I am trusting God that the story He is writing through all of this will be good. 
Thank you for your prayers.