Be a Shero

Happy Mother's Day, friend!
Shero - a woman who inspires you. A woman who has poured into your life, helping you become the woman God created you to be.
Though an unofficial definition perhaps not found in the Webster Dictionary, today is a day we celebrate each and every Shero in our lives: mothers, birth and adoptive mothers, foster mom's, godmothers, spiritual mentors, aunts and grandma's, sisters and friends. 
This Mother's Day is for all women, because each of us is a Shero; rare, unique, and irreplaceable.
The Shero's in my life are varied and many. My Aunt Carolyn, a Catholic school teacher turned prosecutor. She was bold and unafraid to share her opinion and rock the boat. Married later in life and unable to have children of her own, she became a second mom to my siblings and I.
My own mom Sheila (though we call her SheShe). A prayer warrior and hospice nurse, she is still one of my best friends and biggest cheerleaders in my life.
My spiritual director, Dr. Cooney. My academic advisor and professor in graduate school, she has walked with me through the pain of a divorce, dating/relationships, and the loss of my dad. Her voice is a loving but firm tone that brings me peace and clarity.
A band of beautiful friendships that I thank God everyday for: Christina, Helena, Sarah, Beth, Mary Catherine, MC, Alanna, and so many more (not even including the many friendships born out of social media connections).
This weekend our country celebrates Mother's Day.
While a day filled with love and celebration, this day can also be filled with pain and sorrow for many of us. Perhaps your mom has left this earth or you have an estranged relationship with your mom. Maybe your heart is breaking because of the infertility you experience or the desire for marriage and babies has not yet happened in your life. Maybe as a woman you feel hurt or abandoned by the church or your spiritual community.

Read the rest over at Wisdom's Dwelling ...

(Learn more about Wisdom's Dwelling and sign up to receive their email devotions here).

Three Things Andrew Garfield Teaches Us About Grief

As I experience the milestones of the first year after my dad's passing, I find myself curious about how grief can manifest in one's life. Whether it's in response to the loss of a parent, child, spouse, or significant other, grief is universally messy, painful, and raw. There is no one way to navigate it.Loss will inevitably touch each of our lives; it's necessarily part of the human experience.
Recently, I came across an interview with actor Andrew Garfield (you may know him better as Spider-Man) on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. I have been following Garfield's work with interest and curiosity, so to hear him talk about the recent loss of his own mother touched me in a particular way.
What Garfield had to say about grief is bound to resonate with anyone who's experienced loss, recently or otherwise.

Grief is unexpressed love

Garfield beautifully referred to the grief he feels for the loss of his mother as "unexpressed love." When we grieve the loss of a loved one, a big portion of what we miss is never being able to hug or hold that person again, to laugh and smile and be silly together, to hear the sound of his or her voice.

It is all those moments we won't get to express our love, affection, and warmth and the end of being able to experience receiving those things from the person whose presence we are grieving.

In his heartfelt interview with Colbert, Garfield says, "I hope this grief stays with me because it's all the unexpressed love that I didn't get to tell her. And I told her every day."

You can read the rest over at Verily.

What Does It (Really) Mean to Be a Feminine Woman?

When you heard the word femininity, what comes to mind?
There was a period in my life if you had asked me that question I would have answered something like: being quiet, reflective, wearing dresses, etc. 
Growing up, one of the harmful messages I hd to let go and undo over time was unhelpful messaging about what it meant to be a little girl, to be feminine. 
There are very particular memories I have where my mom would repeatedly remind me to be a good girl, a quiet girl and act ladylike. 
"Remember," mom would say to me, "Nobody like a loud girl."
While her intention was not to hurt me, my sensitive Patty heart absorbed unhelpful (and unhealthy) messages about what it meant to be a girl.
As I have gotten older, I can see how this instance was one of the most hurtful messages I absorbed as a little girl and carried with me into my early twenties.
What I heard in those words was, "Be different from who you are. Act a certain way or people will not accept or like you."
"Being loud equals being bad."

Why share such a personal story with you?
Because sometimes I feel in Catholic circles there is a false perception of what it means to be feminine, to be a woman.
To be feminine is never a one-size fits all prescription. It looks different for every woman because we are all unique and none of us are the same.

Head over to Catholic Match to read the rest ...

A Simple Self-Care Question for Hard Times

I didn't always know how to take good care of myself. For a number of years, I prided myself on being the woman who "gets stuff done," and somehow absorbed the lie that productivity mattered over a healthy relationship to my mind and body. I did not know how to listen to my spirit to find out what I needed to take care of myself in a given moment. I was too busy, well, too busy.

As I have grown as a person, I've learned to ask myself a simple question when I am stressed at work or by life scenarios. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, or life feels heavy, hard, lonely, or confusing, I ask, "What do I need right now?" It feels both empowering and freeing, and in many ways helps me trust myself and my intuition.
Looking at your own life, how can this question help you take better care of yourself, especially during a hard time?
Read the rest over at Verily to help apply this question to your emotional, physical, and spiritual health.
What types of questions help you take care of yourself better?

Why We Need Merton (More than Ever)

One of the things I most loved about graduate school at our local seminary were all the new spiritual writers and thinkers I encountered.
I had several professors that opened my eyes to new ideas and gave me me deeper understanding and reflection of my beliefs.
It was in my history of Christian spirituality class I first heard of a man named Thomas Merton. I had never heard of this Oxford studied writer turned Trappist monk. We spent one class on getting to know Merton. My professor gave us his basic biography and we read some passages of his work. 
It was several years later that I eagerly dove into the writings of Thomas Merton and quickly went on a journey of spiritual friendship, learning much from this gifted soul.

I do not know what propelled me to take a second look at Merton. I do remember flying home from somewhere and reading this book which is what drew me in. What I liked about this book is that it was a sampling of his writing from many different published works. 
From there I devoured everything I could that Merton had written. To this day, my favorite books of his are New Seeds of Contemplation and No Man Is an Island. I think those are one of two great places to start.
Since that plane ride several years ago, Thomas Merton has become one of the most influential spiritual writers and teachers to me in my own personal faith journey.
Now, you might be reading and thinking, "That's great Patty! Good for you girlfriend."
I promise to get off my Merton soapbox, but the reason I share this with you is because now more than ever our culture and the world need the words, teaching, and perspective of Thomas Merton.
Why?
I have noticed a growing trend among my friends, acquaintances, and people I follow on social media, many Christians and Catholics are going through a personal deconstruction of their long-held religious tradition of Christianity or Catholicism. A more recent well-known example is that of Audrey Assad. 
For many varied and often good reasons, people choose to let go of the spiritual and religious beliefs they grew up with. I share some of the similar frustrations of things I see in the Church these days. I can understand and hold space in my heart for the pain, hurt, and frustration people feel towards the Church. I find myself fascinated with learning about and understanding a person's perspective on what would lead them to leave and choose a new spiritual path for themselves.
As the world becomes more secular and the population of  "nones" rapidly grows, we see that people in the culture are spiritually seeking in many ways. From what I can see and understand, they desire truth, peace, life-giving spiritual practices, a community to call home and find support. They seek the good and beautiful and work for justice.
I think spiritual teachers like Thomas Merton can speak to the heart of a seeker in an authentic way that allows a person to wrestle with God while come to draw closer. Even if a person never converts or returns to the faith they have always known, the example of Thomas Merton is one of pastoral care, compassion, listening, and vulnerability.
Regardless of whether a person belongs to a spiritual or religious tradition, we all are on a spiritual journey. It is the journey of a lifetime to come to know more fully who we are and experience the Divine living and breathing in us.
Merton speaks to the tired, weary, and burnt out heart. His own religious wandering and restlessness brought him to the doors of a Trappist monastery; which for him, became a home for his own searching heart.

In 2021, Merton is the spiritual teacher we need to rediscover and learn from.

Merton teaches us ...
How to listen well and accompany people where life finds them.
To ask deep questions about ourselves, God, spirituality, and religion.
To dialogue and learn from people of other faiths.
How to wrestle with God while letting ourselves be found by God.
God is much bigger and deeper than what we construct or imagine.
God can be known and personally experienced.
There is room for questions.
How to be a life-long spiritual learner.

As a Catholic, if the Church hopes to be relevant and speak to the depths of people's longing, we need to return to voices that can help meet hearts right where they are.

For me, Thomas Merton is and remains one of those voices.


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Thomas Merton, pray for the nones. Pray for the hearts of all spiritual seekers looking for God.May we be the people to meet them love them right where life finds them.
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The Ten Commandments of Catholic Dating

Can I tell you something that may sound a bit weird?
One of my favorite movies as a little girl was The Ten Commandments. You know, the version with Charlton Heston?
As much as I loved that movie (which I absolutely did!), I also had a die hard crush on the man. AKA Moses.
I actually remember telling my mom, "Wow, that is one handsome Moses!" Mom's reaction?She just looked at me and rolled her eyes.
But I mean seriously, am I right?! I think so.

Okay, I am done raving on my crush with Charlton Heston.


I was reminded of this silly quirk of mine a few months ago when I wrote an article talking about the ten commandments of Catholic dating.
Here me out.I am not trying to make a case that there are official "rules" for Catholic Dating. As I look back on my dating highs and lows as a woman in her mid-thirties, I do think there are a handful of dating commandments (aka principles) to remember for Catholic singles.
You might have some different thoughts than me in this department. However, for me, these are the ones I keep returning to again and again. 
Things like always saying thank you, NEVER ghosting the other person, and not being too attached to the outcome.

You can read the rest over at CatholicMatch ...

Do you any of these ring true to your own dating experience?
Is there something missing you would add?

The Power of a Woman's Story

There is something powerful and beautiful about a well-told story. Some of my favorite memories as a little girl were listening to the stories of my grandmothers, aunts, and mom. What experiences formed and shaped them, how they became the women they are today; questions like these always left me wanting to learn more from and about the women I most admire and looked up to in my own life.
Enter the documentary The Girl Inside.
This new mini documentary gives viewers a heart-wrenching and heart-warming glimpse into the lives of a group of women awaiting sentencing at Cook County Jail in Chicago, the largest single-site jail in the United States. Through these women's stories, filmmaker Kate Bryan, in partnership with production company BEHOLD, expands on a theme of Bryan's 1 Girl Revolution podcasts: the truth that every can make a difference with her life.
Sadly, the voices of incarcerated women are often overlooked or not considered as valuable or important. With the numbers of incarcerated skyrocketing in the United States - the population of incarcerated women has increased by more than 700 percent over the past 40 years - there is a desperate need to educate, empower, and help women heal in the prison system.
The documentary follows incarcerated women as they participate in a life-changing academic course taught by Dr. Laura Biagi, an interdisciplinary voice artist and teacher whose work focuses on teaching others to use their voice for personal and social change. Through "Storytelling as a Healign Art" class, the students learned about the power of every person's voice and then Dr. Biagi led the women through a series of storytelling exercises and vocal warmups.
The culmination of the course and documentary comes when Dr. Biagi gives the women a writing prompt, "I am your voice, and this is what I want you to know . . ."
The vulnerability, hope, and empowerment these women share by their own voices and stories is transformative and beautiful to behold.

Read the rest over at Verily . . .

What Three Rom Com's Teach Us About Healthy Relationships

Who loves a good movie!?
Personally, I am a fan of the old classics when it comes to cinema. I grew up on Westerns and WWII movies with my dad. My mom introduced me to musicals, the wonderful world of Alfred Hitchcock, and romantic love stories with some of the greatest leading men and women.
What I love about movies, even ones not necessarily religious or faith-based, is that they still have powerful themes that speak to the depths of the human spirit. I love a powerful, well told story! Story lines with redemption, heroism, and the triumph of good over evil. Movies can convey deep messages that resonate with the human spirit.

I don't know about you, but the last few months of the pandemic have felt both overwhelming and exhausting at times. There are days it has been difficult for me to stay focused and living in the present moment. 
So let's take a lighter, more fun approach to movies today...
What can some of our favorite Romantic Comedies Teach Us About Healthy Relationships?
Well a lot, actually.Don't blow me off here.
I promise you there are lessons to be learned!
Let's dive in and take a look at some popular rom-coms and see what they can teach us when it comes to dating and healthy relationships.

More specifically, let's take a look at the movies You've Got Mail, Return to Me, and While You Were Sleeping.

Head over to CatholicMatch to read more  . . . 


What other rom coms do you think have lessons to teach us about dating and healthy relationships?Is there anything else that is missing?
I would love to hear your thoughts! :)

Tips for Finding the Right Therapist

By now, many of us know that going to therapy is a great option for dealing with particular mental health issues, getting through difficult life situations, or generally helping us toward a happier, healthier outlook on life. However, we might not realize that not all therapy is created equal. Finding the right therapist for you can help you get to the root issues that might be recurring in your life and disturbing your peace.
I have learned this in my own life: I had seen a therapist on and off since college. I struggled with generalized anxiety, exacerbated by particular life situations from time to time. This anxiety included intrusive, obsessive thought patterns and feeling anxious in friendships and relationships. I would go for a time to various therapists, but nothing ever really seemed to change. 
I never really got to the root cause of what kept bringing me back to counseling over the years. I learned coping tools and skills, but never got down to the foundational issues and things I needed to work through.
In the winter of 2013, I found myself in a suddenly unstable marriage. I needed to dig deeper into my own issues to help myself resolve the dysfunctional situation I currently found myself in. As I began to recognize that I didn't want to face this alone, I joined a 12-step support group for wives who found themselves facing the same thing I was facing in my marriage. You see, I was in a relationship that wa rampant with multiple addictions. While I knew I needed tools to help me navigate this, I also knew I needed to work on my own baggage. 
Knowing I needed to do my own therapy work, I asked the women in my support group for recommendations for good therapists, and interestingly enough, several of the women went to the same therapist. It was this therapist, Mary, who helped me get to the foundational issues I was dealing with. She helped me heal and change in ways I never knew I needed, and to this day I am a better woman because of her.
Finding a good therapist often takes trial and error. It's often like dating: it takes time, and there is a period of getting to know and trust each other. You might find the right fit right away, or it might take a few different people before you find the one you "click" with.
In my own life, it was definitely a journey and process before I found someone who was the right fit for me. From that experience and talking with other friends looking for a good therapist, there are a few helpful things to keep in mind on your own search.

Read the rest over at Verily  . . .

4 Resources to Turn to After a Divorce

I try to allow this little space where I can openly share and be vulnerable about topics sometimes we do not talk about.
I share on here frequently about my experience of divorce as a young Catholic and dating.
Today I want to share a post with you on helpful resources if you or someone in your life is navigating the pain of a divorce.
If this applies to your life, I hope you are encouraged and feel less alone.-----------------------
I was 30 years old when I went through my divorce.
I remember one particular Sunday when I was having a rough day. I felt overwhelmed by my feelings of sadness and fear how life would ever be beautiful again. I just wanted someone to see the pain in my eyes and reach out to me. I remember going to church - I just put my head on the pew in front of me and began to weep.
I wanted my Church to support me in what was the most painful experience of my life.

Honestly, there were times I felt forgotten and not cared for as a young Catholic going through a divorce.
Where would I find the resources to navigate this chapter in my life? Were there any support groups I could attend and find a community? What were the books to read that would both help me heal and take responsibility for my part in the marriage?
I am now four years past that chapter in my life and can offer some resources that I have found helpful in my own healing journey when I went through my divorce.
For me these things looked like finding a support group, reading the right books, going to counseling, and seeking to forgive my former husband.
You can read more about them over at Grotto Network . . .

You are not the only Catholic navigating this difficult path.
You are not alone and the Church is here to walk with and support you.

How to Kindly Turn Someone Down

(Today I am sharing a post I had published in the Fall. It is one of the best lessons I have learned when it comes to healthy dating and felt too good to not share with you.

I hope it encourages you if you're navigating online dating as a Catholic right now).

Newsflash.

No one likes feeling rejected. Being turned down for a date is not fun at all. It if often uncomfortable and messy for both men and women.

I have had a string of lots of first dates lately where I did not feel comfortable being open to second date (for a variety of reasons). Something that was in common with all those dates was how I kindly yet honestly let them know I was not interested in a future date.

May I be honest for a second?

I know none of us like doing this, but we have to be able to say "no thank you" with honesty and authenticity. Playing games, ghosting, being manipulative, or just avoiding doing the uncomfortable thing is not kind and to be frank, is just plain mean.

Regardless if you are not interested in getting to know someone further, there is a kind way to turn someone down for a date. What I am going to share with you is something I have started doing, and I find it to be helpful.

One of my close girlfriends is also in the same stage of life as myself, and together, we are navigating the waters of online dating as Catholics. She has done a lot of growth work with online dating coaches. In addition to what she is learning, she shares it with me. As I apply it to my dating journey, I find myself trusting myself more, noticing red flags quicker, and really learning how just being my authentic self will attract a good man into my life.

One of the best things I have learned from my friend is how to kindly turn down a man for a future date.

The secret formula?

Two compliments wrapped around a similar-type statement, "My intuition is telling me we are not the right romantic fit."

Read more about this handy sound bite over at Catholic Match  . . .

3 Big Dating Mistakes Women Make

Ladies, I promise I am not trying to throw you or any of us under the bus.
But...

Can we all admit to something?
All of us who are dating and seeking to find the right man (or woman if you're a man reading this) have made dating mistakes along the way. I could write a book about all mine over the years. 
Friends, none of us have this figured out. We are not perfect when it comes to dating and it is important to take responsibility for our part.

I know this has been a lesson to learn for me on more than one occasion. I ghosted a man when I should not have, and really regretted how I treated him. There have been other times I reacted too strongly to something that turned out not to be a red flag. On other occasions,  I became too emotionally attached or invested in man too soon.
Needless to say I have been in the trenches with you figuring out and learning (sometimes through big or small mistakes!) how to be a healthy dater.
Over the last year and a half, I have spent a lot of time reflecting on my own dating mistakes. I have thought about what dating mistakes I see other Catholic women struggling with just like me. 
The three I most see common for Catholic women?

1. Letting your heart run away with your mind
2. Attaching to a particular outcome
3. Focusing on him vs. your own life

Head over to the CatholicMatch Institute to read more . . .


What are some of the dating mistakes you have made or learned from in your own life?

Why Mothers Day is for All Women

Mothers day is for all women.

Physical mothers who carry their babies for nine months. Spiritual mothers who may not have children of their own. Adoptive mothers. Birth mothers who carry their babies and courageously give up their babies for adoption. Foster moms who become moms to children who have no mom. Godmothers. Spiritual mentors.
This second Sunday in May is for each of you.

Rewind to an October day in 2018.

I was driving on the freeway to my parents making a visit to drop off something.
While in the car I was talking aloud to Jesus. I was telling him honestly about some of the things on my heart these days: fears about dating after my annulment, how to know when I meet the right man I will marry, and fears that perhaps its not in the cards for me to marry and have my own children someday.
You see, that last one was an extra sensitive subject for my heart. 
I have wanted to be a mommy from the time I was a little girl. As I worked through the loss of my marriage and adapting to a new life, I had to name and wrestle with the reality that perhaps it wouldn't be in the cards for me to marry again and have children of my own.
For awhile now, I danced around being fully transparent with Jesus on this topic. I tip-toed around it thinking as long as I didn't actually express my feelings, I'd be fine. FALSE. You can never fool God.
Anyway, back to that car ride.
So, I decided to be really honest with Jesus. I started to cry.
I told Jesus all my fears and insecurities that those things would never happen for me. There may have been some choice (aka four lettered) words I used. But I was really honest with God.
I got it all out.

Later on in the day, I was doing some cleaning at my apartment. While scrubbing the toilet (God really can speak anywhere!), I had such a sense of the presence and the peace of God. 
I will be okay if those things don't happen for me. I have impacted the lives of many people. I can be a mom in lots of different ways to my nephew, my godsons, and the children of close friends. Life will still be good and meaningful if I never can be a physical mother.
It just kind of downloaded on me. I knew this was God because of how deeply things resonated in my soul. There was a shift for me that day, toilet brush in hand.

Why share this?

Sometimes Mothers Day is a very hard, sad day for people. 
Maybe your mom is gone, abandoned you, or you have a tumultuous relationship at best.
Perhaps you don't have children, are unable to conceive, or do not understand why everyone else around you gets pregnant except you. Maybe you are single and wonder if you'll ever experience being a mom.
Those of you who are physical mothers and have birthed babies through your incredible bodies, please do not hear this as not recognizing or seeing you. What a beautiful joy and privilege to have such a gift like that in your life. 
I am genuinely and sincerely happy for you. I really mean it.

But as a Catholic woman who does not have children, sometimes Mothers Day is hard because it feels like the focus of the day is on something I do not have, children.
There have been years it is difficult to be at Mass and the priest asks all the moms to stand for a blessing.
You know what he should do? Ask EVERY woman in that church to stand up, because every woman is a mother. Every single woman in that church should be standing up.

Physical motherhood is an incredible gift, but it is not the only way to be a mom.

While we are not able to gather in church buildings this Mothers Day, let's just be aware to celebrate and honor all women today. Remember those too for whom this day is painful, sad, or lonely.

A mother is not determined by the babies she wishes she had or how many earthly children she has.
In her writings Edith Stein continually points out, to be a mother is to nourish and protect true humanity and bring it to development. 
What does this mean for all women this Mothers Day?
It means a woman's greatest strength and power lies in her gift of maternity, both physical and spiritual.


So celebrate all the women on Mothers Day; acknowledge all the many beautiful ways women can be moms in their communities, families, and the world.
Because the second Sunday of May each year is for every woman.

Sex and the Catholic Feminist (a Book Review)

Sex, Catholicism, and feminism.
Do I have your attention?
These words are spoken about more frequently these days, both online and in Catholic culture.
You might not think that those three words go together at all. In many ways, these words do go together. The intersection of these words have powerful implications for the Catholic Church and for women.
Defining the Terms and Exploring History
A few years ago while browsing the FemCatholic group recommended books to read, my eye was caught by Sue Ellen Browder's book Subverted: How I Helped the Sexual Revolution Hijack the Women's Movement. As a woman who values certain but not all ideals held by feminism, I was very interested to read this book from the perspective of a woman who used to identify as a secular feminist. 

One of the main things I learned? Abortion and contraception were never originally a part of the 1960's women's movement. I was shocked. The book went more deeply into the background and history of how those changes came to be.
Fast-forward to the present day.


Sex and the Catholic Feminist Book Review
In January of 2020, Sue Ellen Browder released her newest book, Sex and the Catholic Feminist: New Choices for a New Generation.
The premise of the book delves more deeply into tracing back the roots and history of feminism in the United States while taking up a battle cry for the ardent need for Catholic women to take back the word (and ideals) of feminism.
Secular feminism has reduced a woman's dignity and personhood merely to her sex organs and desirability. At the same time, it denies motherhood, marriage, and exults abortion and contraception.


How Did We Get Where We are Today?
The author does an incredible job of laying the historical foundation of feminism in this country )also covered in her previous book). In this book, she also introduces readers to several women from the women's movement in the 1960's and how their individual influence has brought our culture to where it is today.

I want to highlight two of them so you can get a fuller picture of how we ended up here.

Have you ever heard of Betty Friedan and Helen Gurley Brown?


Read more on the Blessed is She blog . . . 

8 Things People Told Me About Catholic Dating - That Turned out to be Wrong

Let's acknowledge the awkward, giant elephant sitting in the living room of our hearts: Dating as a Catholic Woman in 2020 is a weird place to be.
I am 34 years old and unmarried. As I have navigated the dating scene (and learned from many mistakes), I have heard plenty of unhealthy and weird things; and just plain bad advice.
I suspect some of you can relate to this.
Maybe it was a rigorous "purity culture" that lacked pastoral compassion. Perhaps it was unhealthy attitudes from books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Or maybe it was an excessive focus on things like virginity, modesty, or how a Christian woman "should act."
I think for many Christian women today, that list would go on and on.
Over the years, as I have learned to date in a more healthy, self-aware manner, I have thrown away much of what I used to believe about Catholic dating - and there was a lot of garbage to toss out.
Based on a conversation in the FemCatholic Forum and my own experience, here are eight things we were told about Catholic dating that turned out to be wrong.

Head over to FemCatholic to read more ...

Would you say some of these were true to your own experience?

How Shame Really Impacts Us

I am bad.
I am dirty.
I am unlovable.
I am not enough the way I am.
Something is wrong with me.

Shame - it is a feeling that is part of the human condition, but inherent to the experience of it is the way it makes us avoid talking about it or facing it.

I know shame has crept into my own life and hurt me. I felt ashamed when a family member made insensitive comments about my eating habits and physical appearance. Shame hit me like a ton of bricks when I was sexually assaulted on a school bus in high school. Shame whispered at my heart when I made poor choices with a boyfriend, or when I compared myself to the standards of other women.
I hate this feeling.
It is dark and scary, like I am bad or dirty or a lesser person because of something I did or something that was done to me.
Shame is a powerful, destructive force that can twist the way we see ourselves, our place in the world, and our worth and value before God. Whereas guilt says I did something wrong, shame tells us that we are bad, that there is something wrong with us.

Shame has made an impressive comeback in culture, psychology, and popular media. Work by well-known researchers such as Brene Brown are helping men and women name and face the role that shame plays in our individual stories. People are starting to talk about something every human across the globe wrestles with.
But how do we start?

Head over to Grotto Network to read more . . .

What I Needed to Unlearn About Catholic Dating

It needs to be said.

There are some weird, unhealthy, and toxic attitudes out and about in the world about Catholic dating.
Dating, especially online, already comes with unique challenges. But throwing in the factor of being a Catholic woman (or man) brings its own set of unique experiences.

There is one particular memory of I have when I was in my mid twenties, that for me, captures much of what was unhealthy that I absorbed in terms of dating and Catholic culture around that.
I am sitting in my mom's gray Sable in the parking lot of the first parish I worked at. 
I was listening to a CD and the talk was being given by the wife of a well-know Catholic writer, professor, and speaker.
Her talk was about dating, courting, and marriage. The point I most remember was something to the effect of: After you date a man for about six months, you should have a pretty good sense if you want to pursue marriage. If that is the case, he would begin to court you, and eventually in the near future you would get engaged and then get married.
(Before going any further, I am not saying people who date and marry quickly are doing it wrong or you cannot find lasting love that way.)
While maybe this was not the point the speaker was trying to make, the point is that is how I as a naive, very inexperienced woman (in relation to men) received and internalized what was said.

I have wanted to be a wife and a mom from the time I was a very little girl. 
But as I look back on my own pscyho-sexual development and lack of experience with men before marriage (not referring to sex), I realized there were a lot of unhealthy perspectives and beliefs I gravitated to as a young woman.
I dated two men before I married. 
One was for eight months and the other just a handful.  In dating my former husband, there were a lot of red flags I missed in his words and actions. And honestly, while we never had sex before marriage we were not the most chaste while together. In many ways, I think those choices further clouded my better judgment in my choice of a spouse. 
I came into marriage at 26 very naive about my own body as a woman and my sexuality. 
I was insecure, codependent, wanted to be loved, and thought the "right" Catholic man could fulfill in me in all the ways that I did not love or value about myself.
I had no awareness of things like the importance of consent, abuse, or manipulation when it came to a sexual relationship between spouses. 
I had no sense of my own voice to express what I liked, did not like, or was uncomfortable with when it came to our sexual relationship.

Why share all of this?

Because our sexual templates as men and women are formed and shaped by our attitudes and experiences. These were some of things that play a piece in my story.
Now I realize we bring all of this stuff with us into dating and how we navigate that.
It is now at the ripe age of 34 I am able to see the negative, even toxic, messaging I absorbed as Gospel truth when it came to dating, sexuality, and marriage.
What were some of the unhealthy things I have had to unlearn about dating?

• Date with the intent to marry. All I am trying to say is saying that to an 18 or 22 year old is confusing, not helpful, and I would say spiritually abusive.
• The whole concept of courting.
• Needing a spouse to complete me. This has done more harm to me in more ways than I can verbalize.
• Finding the "perfect Catholic guy" will make everything picture perfect. (False).
• The idolization of marriage.
• The idolization of virginity and lack of compassionate care for those who had sex before marriage.
• The idea that men and women cannot be friends.
• Marriage is not the end-all, be-all.
• Assuming that a woman is responsible for the moral character of the relationship.
• Just because a man appears to be a "good Catholic guy" does not mean he is a good person...or a good Catholic for that matter.
• Taking dating too seriously. It is a date, not a lifetime commitment.
• You have to date and marry a Catholic.
• Do not go on lots of dates. Date only one person at a time.
• Flirting and being honest about your feelings as a woman is not wrong or shameful.

There is a lot to think about and unlearn when it comes to this stuff in my own life.
More and more, I find myself sharing and talking with other Catholic men and women. Many have similar experiences. Just many others have different ones.
The older I get the more I understand there are messages and beliefs I need to release and let go of because they were unhealthy, toxic, or hurtful to my own identity as a woman.
Maybe you are in the same boat as me, or perhaps you are not.


Are there ideas or concepts when it came to dating as a Catholic/Christian that were unhealthy in your journey?

Is there anything else you would add?

I am fascinated by this conversation and topic right now, and am interested to hear what the experience was like for other women and men.

The Best Advice I Received as a Single Woman

I think I have the best spiritual director in the whole world.
And yes - I completely acknowledge I am slightly biased. ;)
She is a laywoman who was my favorite professor in graduate school. I attended several of her classes and she coached me on the development and writing of my thesis. She is passionate, wise, discerning, and challenges me when needed. She is a woman of faith and strength I greatly admire and respect. 
I like to think someday when I am her age I will reflect some of the characteristics that I admire in her.
At a recent appointment, I was processing with her a recent breakup with a man I had been dating for almost a year. While I was sad, I had perfect peace about why it was the best decision for me in my life. I was talking through some things and starting to over think the next steps to take in my life with being single, dating, and stepping outside my comfort zone.

We were sitting in comfortable armchairs, and with a twinkle in her eye, she leaned forward and said to me, "Patty, be open. Just show up. There is no formula for life."
I took a long, deep breath as if to allow those words to settle in my spirit.
She repeated them again as if to make a stronger point for me to understand.

You can read the rest over at CatholicMatch Institute ...

One Little Prayer to Help You Date More Wisely

I was very nervous about dating again after my divorce and annulment.
Honestly, it kind of overwhelmed me.
I was afraid I would be tricked or deceived by a man or worse that I myself would repeat mistakes again from before I had gotten married. But the funny thing about pain in life. is that it has the potential to be a beautiful teacher. And as I began to date, I saw I had learned a lot about myself and had gone through a lot of personal healing that made me a healthier, more self-aware woman.
I remind myself of that as I work through a recent break-up from the first serious relationship since my divorce. As I do more healing work, I find those same fears from before starting to creep in.
Satan thrives on the lies we tell ourselves, he loves to play on our innermost fears and insecurities.
Some of the ones I wrestle with most: 
You will always be alone. 
You will be hurt or tricked by a man again.
The desires of your heart will never happen.
God is not faithful or kind.
You will never find someone to share your life with.
You get the idea.

Maybe your tapes are similar or different to mine.
The problem with Satan is we must not entertain what we know are lies or deceptions from him. We have to send him and those thoughts back to Hell where they belong.
As I have been personally working through some of those old fears recently, I was reminded of a piece of helpful advice my younger sister gave me when I first started dating after my divorce and annulment.
Specifically, a prayer to help me make better dating decisions and trust my gut better this time around.

Ask the Holy Spirit to make things very, very clear.

READ THE REST OVER HERE ... 

An Epidemic Only Whispered About?

I recently came across a Gallup poll that said in 2018 43% of Americans believe that pornography is "morally acceptable."
That is up from 36% just one year ago. And the reality that percentage will only grow is heart breaking to me.
I am deeply convicted that pornography is the greatest killer to healthy relationships between women and men. It leads us to treat other people as objects, merely used for personal sexual satisfaction. 
I recently was on an episode of Certifiably Catholic hosted by some of my favorite humans.
In it, we talk honestly about a conversation too often I find the Church only whispers about, pornography and sexual addiction. 

You can listen here. 

In the interview, I share about a ministry my friend Danielle and I have developed over the last year called Whispered in the Dark.  We work to offer resources, counselors, and hope to people whose lives, relationships, or marriages have been impacted by pornography and sexual addiction.
On November 10th, we are offering a day conference in Detroit, Michigan. 
If you are in or near the SE Michigan area, we would so greatly appreciate your support and help in getting the word out.


Its time to stop whispering.
Let's start to have honest, real conversations about the biggest relationship epidemic in modern culture.


Thank you for your support.
It means so much to me.