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07 March 2019

Jesus, help me: my prayer for lent

Here we are one day into Lent.

For many past Lenten seasons, I've treated these 40 days as a program for spiritual improvement. It was all about what I could "do" with hard work and striving. In some sense, I think I was trying to become a spiritual ninja.

The last few years I have thrown away such nonsense of spiritual legalism. That does not help me and it is not good for my soul.

But this Lent especially, it is much more simple.

This prayer I find myself heavily relying upon (Jesus help me) is walking me through a messy, confusing time.

That very good, honorable man I told you about several times here, well I broke up with him. The reason? I came to realize I did not have peace about being a step mom to three little boys in this situation. And feeling that way, I didn't have peace in continuing our relationship.

It is messy, sad, and confusing. But even with all of that, I have such peace in the decision.

I think on some level I wanted the first man I seriously dated after my divorce and annulment to become the man I would share my life with. Maybe it sounds a little crazy, but I did hope for that on some level.

Even if we did not end up together, I know this man was so good for me. He taught me how to trust and love again. He showed me there are still good, honorable men in this world. He was worthy of me and truly respected me. I knew what it was (really for the first time) to be in a healthy, loving relationship with a man. There were gifts and lessons I have learned for which I will always be grateful. I am just sad it had to end this way, for both of us.

But getting back to my prayer for Lent.

When I sensed this might be the end, I called my sister and poured out my little hurting heart. One of the things I said to her in that conversation was, "I don't really know what to pray now other than Jesus help me."

Jesus help me.

The next day I was cleaning out my junkie old car because that evening I was picking up a brand-new (to me!) used car. In cleaning the car, I went through all the compartments and pockets. I came across this old prayer card of the Sacred Heart of Jesus, coffee stains and a little beat up. I don't even know where it came from or how long I had it.


But I flipped it over and saw the exact same prayer I shared with my sister the night before.

Jesus help me.


I burst into tears and slowly read through the prayer.

It felt like a confirmation of a painful, sad decision I was making, but at the same time it felt like a love note from Jesus: "I see you sweetie pie. I know this is hard and confusing. I promise I have not forgotten you."

Even now, a little over a month later, there have been other little instances where my Lenten prayer shows up...a gentle reminder from God.

Those three little words are a prayer I keep on repeat right now, especially on days where the sadness feels like too much.

But I know it won't always be this way. I know my vocation is to be married. And I know there still good men in the world.

So this Lent I am not trying to do it all. In all honesty, I'm not doing a whole lot.

I am being still and open and writing in a Lenten journal.

I am praying the Rosary every day.

And on the good, in-between, and not so good days, I am praying over and over, "Jesus help me."


Praying for a Resurrection of hope and healing in your hearts over these 40 days and into Easter and Pentecost, friends.


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1 comment:

  1. I am so glad that you have peace in your decision! That sounds rough to work through, but that's so awesome that God gave you clarity. And this is such a beautiful prayer to hold onto during Lent-thank you for sharing your beautiful journey with us!

    Kind of along similar lines, in a recent conversation I was in, a friend of mine mentioned the importance and value of praying "Lord, show me your will today" daily. As she said that, I realized that I have really stopped actively trying to seek God's will in the little moments of everyday life, so those 6 words are really forming my focus this Lent.

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