What I Needed to Unlearn About Catholic Dating

It needs to be said.

There are some weird, unhealthy, and toxic attitudes out and about in the world about Catholic dating.
Dating, especially online, already comes with unique challenges. But throwing in the factor of being a Catholic woman (or man) brings its own set of unique experiences.

There is one particular memory of I have when I was in my mid twenties, that for me, captures much of what was unhealthy that I absorbed in terms of dating and Catholic culture around that.
I am sitting in my mom's gray Sable in the parking lot of the first parish I worked at. 
I was listening to a CD and the talk was being given by the wife of a well-know Catholic writer, professor, and speaker.
Her talk was about dating, courting, and marriage. The point I most remember was something to the effect of: After you date a man for about six months, you should have a pretty good sense if you want to pursue marriage. If that is the case, he would begin to court you, and eventually in the near future you would get engaged and then get married.
(Before going any further, I am not saying people who date and marry quickly are doing it wrong or you cannot find lasting love that way.)
While maybe this was not the point the speaker was trying to make, the point is that is how I as a naive, very inexperienced woman (in relation to men) received and internalized what was said.

I have wanted to be a wife and a mom from the time I was a very little girl. 
But as I look back on my own pscyho-sexual development and lack of experience with men before marriage (not referring to sex), I realized there were a lot of unhealthy perspectives and beliefs I gravitated to as a young woman.
I dated two men before I married. 
One was for eight months and the other just a handful.  In dating my former husband, there were a lot of red flags I missed in his words and actions. And honestly, while we never had sex before marriage we were not the most chaste while together. In many ways, I think those choices further clouded my better judgment in my choice of a spouse. 
I came into marriage at 26 very naive about my own body as a woman and my sexuality. 
I was insecure, codependent, wanted to be loved, and thought the "right" Catholic man could fulfill in me in all the ways that I did not love or value about myself.
I had no awareness of things like the importance of consent, abuse, or manipulation when it came to a sexual relationship between spouses. 
I had no sense of my own voice to express what I liked, did not like, or was uncomfortable with when it came to our sexual relationship.

Why share all of this?

Because our sexual templates as men and women are formed and shaped by our attitudes and experiences. These were some of things that play a piece in my story.
Now I realize we bring all of this stuff with us into dating and how we navigate that.
It is now at the ripe age of 34 I am able to see the negative, even toxic, messaging I absorbed as Gospel truth when it came to dating, sexuality, and marriage.
What were some of the unhealthy things I have had to unlearn about dating?

• Date with the intent to marry. All I am trying to say is saying that to an 18 or 22 year old is confusing, not helpful, and I would say spiritually abusive.
• The whole concept of courting.
• Needing a spouse to complete me. This has done more harm to me in more ways than I can verbalize.
• Finding the "perfect Catholic guy" will make everything picture perfect. (False).
• The idolization of marriage.
• The idolization of virginity and lack of compassionate care for those who had sex before marriage.
• The idea that men and women cannot be friends.
• Marriage is not the end-all, be-all.
• Assuming that a woman is responsible for the moral character of the relationship.
• Just because a man appears to be a "good Catholic guy" does not mean he is a good person...or a good Catholic for that matter.
• Taking dating too seriously. It is a date, not a lifetime commitment.
• You have to date and marry a Catholic.
• Do not go on lots of dates. Date only one person at a time.
• Flirting and being honest about your feelings as a woman is not wrong or shameful.

There is a lot to think about and unlearn when it comes to this stuff in my own life.
More and more, I find myself sharing and talking with other Catholic men and women. Many have similar experiences. Just many others have different ones.
The older I get the more I understand there are messages and beliefs I need to release and let go of because they were unhealthy, toxic, or hurtful to my own identity as a woman.
Maybe you are in the same boat as me, or perhaps you are not.


Are there ideas or concepts when it came to dating as a Catholic/Christian that were unhealthy in your journey?

Is there anything else you would add?

I am fascinated by this conversation and topic right now, and am interested to hear what the experience was like for other women and men.