365 later.

Life is really different than it was a year ago today.
A year ago today I wore a black skirt with a blue blazer. I walked into a court room with my parents. A judge asked me to verify I was not pregnant and if this marriage was beyond repair. I faintly uttered a soft "yes."
Later that night, I went out to dinner with my siblings. I was in the car and my brother-in-law reached  to the back seat and squeezed my hand and said, "You will be okay Patty. You'll be okay."


Even when I most have felt like I am not gonna be okay or that the sadness was too much, David was right. I am going to be okay.
Life feels uncertain in other ways, but I am going to be okay.


I'm living on my own (actually for the first time ever! #icecreamfordinner ;). 
I've been going to counseling and reading recovery books like its a second full-time job.
I am going to a divorce ministry training with some ladies from church in hopes to start a divorce recovery group where I work.
I am talking with a friend in hopes to work together to create some kind of presentation and/or supportive network to women in relationships where the man is addicted to porn...how to support and empower these women in a difficult situation.
I joined an awesome parish.
My annulment went through.
I am in regular contact with women around the country in a similar situation I was and meeting more Catholic women who have went through a divorce.


But sometimes I still get easily overwhelmed and want to jump in bed and pull the covers over my head. The past several days I've been riding the struggle bus.
Who am I kidding. I was DRIVING the freaking struggle bus...because why else would I eat a pint of ice cream on a Saturday night? 
Last night I called my Mom...cause sometimes you just need to talk to your Mom. I blubbered and cried: I'm excited but really, really nervous to date again, struggling with loneliness sometimes, and facing disappointment of not getting a job I really wanted that I thought was God's will for me. 
I get anxious sometimes worrying how long it will take to pay off my school loans and wondering how the budget will balance each month or how long I'll have to live with things so financially tight.




Life is always evolving and changing and sometimes I feel like I cannot keep up. But then again its not my job to be in control of my life either.

A year ago today my prayer was to not let the hurt and sadness drown me. And it hasn't.
Today my prayer is the prayer of abandonment.

Father, I abandon myself into Your hands; do with me as You will.
Whatever You may do, I thank You;  I am ready for all, I accept all.
Let only Your will be done in me and in all Your creatures. I wish no more than this, O Lord.
Into Your hands, I commend my soul;  I offer it to you with all the love of my heart, for I love You, Lord, and so need to give myself, to surrender myself into Your hands without reserve and with boundless confidence, for You are my Father.




So here's to living this more and more in each day...
And to whatever the next 365 days hold.