Mending the Heart (A Book Review!)

I remember it very distinctly, the day I decided I could no longer stay in my marriage. 
It was the beginning of November, and the week of Thanksgiving I moved back home with my parents for a time as I figured out my next steps.
I felt like a failure and very relieved all rolled into one. I remember thinking, "What would people think of me once they knew? If the parish youth minister can't make a marriage work, well then who can? Would people judge my decision to leave without knowing the Hell I just lived through?"
I went through my divorce and the annulment process two years ago, and wish a book like this was around for me at that time.
I love the Catholic Church, but it makes my heart sad that we have had so few resources for men and women navigating the pain of a divorce. Not to mention there is still such poor understanding on what the Church actually teaches on divorce, annulment, and re-marriage.
Lisa Duffy, a well-known Catholic speaker and writer, has a brand new book releasing today. Mending the Heart: A Catholic Annulment Companion is such a gift to those who are divorced and contemplating going through the annulment process.

I was so honored to receive a copy to read and write a review for the book.
Even if divorce has never personally touched your own life, I think this book is a great thing for every Catholic to read. For your own understanding yes, but also because it is very likely you will come across people in your life who could benefit from these words.
One of the things I love most about Lisa's writing are her personal sharing and compassion in understanding the pain of divorce. She is very affirming that God sees and wants to bring healing even after something as traumatic as divorce:
"Despite all the heartbreak of losing your marriage, God wants to heal you."
"The pain I endured for so many years felt as though it should have killed me, and at times I thought it would. But it didn't If the pain and suffering is so terrible that it feels as though you'll die, but you continue to live, it means there is hope, there is a future, and God still has good things in store for you."    (Ohhhhh sister, do I relate to THIS!)
And it is because of this pain and hurt, Lisa writes, that the Church offers the annulment process: "...so that you can look beyond what a civil court has ruled and the social implications of divorce to what the actual spiritual reality may be." 
I think too often we sometimes forget the most important place to start in walking alongside people in pain, is acknowledging their wounds and hurt. So let us always begin there first, before you say anything else. 
Lisa does a great job giving a simple breakdown of the annulment process, which unfortunately can be very confusing for Catholic and non-Catholics alike: "Using the details you provide about your marriage relationship, the people involved in the annulment process - you, your ex-spouse, and the canon lawyers - can create a big picture scenario to determine whether or not a valid marriage was brought into being on the day of your wedding."
She does a great job explaining tricky concepts like the difference between valid and sacramental or what is a valid marriage bond.

Equally important as explaining the theology, is breaking down hurtful, insensitive myths regarding divorce and annulments. 
No, the Church is not saying your marriage relationship never existed. The Annulment Process is NOT just a moneymaker for the Church.  Getting an Annulment will make the children illegitimate. FALSE!
When we bust through these and other myths, I think it makes the hearts of people more receptive to the truth and beauty of what the Church teaches.

A sensitive, pastoral concern is the number of couples who are divorced, civilly remarried, and wanting to be in full communion with the Church. 
Lisa does a fantastic job explaining why the Church asks couples in these situations to refrain from Holy Communion: "First, the Church's standards are specifically set in place to help us achieve the happiness we search for all our lives. When the Church tells us we need to wait until the annulment process is complete and a declaration of validity or invalidity is made before getting married, she is actually looking out for our best interests, even if it seems really hard to wait."
Lisa also gives the reader a step-by-step walk through of the annulment process, which I think answers a lot of questions people have that can hold them back from even starting the process. She also explains the different grounds Canon Law gives that could decide a marriage is not valid.
One of the things I found most encouraging as a divorced woman myself, was the section on how to heal and move forward after the pain of a divorce. 
Lisa gives honest, practical ways for Catholic men and women to stay connected through to the Church and begin their own healing journey back to wholeness. Stay close to the sacraments. Honestly, I cannot imagine getting through this type of trauma without them.
I actually completed all my writing for the annulment questions in Eucharistic Adoration. Why not do the hard, heavy work with Jesus? He can totally handle it.

I have personally benefited from Lisa's other books and was grateful to attend a training she did on starting a divorce recovery group in parishes. 
It has actually inspired me to start such a group at the parish I currently work at and I have just completed training in my diocese to be a lay advocate. This means as a lay woman I can help people with their own annulments. 
The healing work I have done, the more it leads me to write and speak on my own experience and in some small way be an advocate to support women who were in very similar shoes I was in.
I am looking forward to helping others walk through the process, as it was so healing for me.

You can find out more about Lisa' writing, speaking, and personal coaching here.
Thank you for supporting her great work and ministry to the Church!