This past summer, I read one of the most profound books of my life by a woman who was living (and has since died) from a terminal cancer diagnosis. In it, Kara writes and shares on how she expected to find grace and goodness in the midst of life's hard.
For Kara, the hardest peace was to accept the reality of her disease and knowing it would take her far too soon from the people she loved most. Her story has spoken the power of faith into so many lives, both in her living and dying. The hardest situations in life are the ones we never dreamed of happening to us.
It it is with great sadness, I am in the process of getting a divorce from my husband. We have spent much time, money, and energy both individually and collectively in working to heal. I have been praying and begging the Lord for over a year to make clear what I am to do. And after much personal prayer, discernment, and wise counsel, I am convicted there is not anything else left to do. It is sad and painful but there is peace in the decision; the hardest peace I have ever experienced in my life.
In this space, I certainly have never wanted to paint this image that we had it "all together." Because we never did, and really none of us have it all together. I never was going to over share the realities of what was going on in our marriage, it never felt right for a variety reasons. While never going into the details, I have reflected on how perfectly imperfect our marriage has been or how brokenness in relationships can be a messy, painful thing to work through.
I was debating if I should stop blogging here or create a completely new site because of this new sad, unexpected life change. But then I realized, I am not going to hide away in shame or fear of what other people think of me or would say. That is totally fear based, and I refuse to live my life in that manner. Even if I am not married, there are still manyinvaluable lessons I have learned in and through our marriage that I am grateful for. God will use all this in His plan and purpose for my life. It will not define me, but will only become a chapter in the story of my life.
One thing God has taught me through this whole process is that I truly cannot judge any other person in this world. With the situation I find myself in, I could easily take it personally and feel hurt if people were to offer "free advice" or make assumptions without having walked in my shoes. Humility is a funny thing. God kicks me off my high horse to remind to not judge others but only love them. Love them as He would, with crazy amounts of grace, not judgement or harshness. All that is going on in my life now is such a tangible reminder to look at others with love and grace first, never in judgement.
I am not going to use this space as sounding board to work through the process of divorce and annulment, but I will write on it from time to time here. I have loved writing since I was a little girl, and still want to cultivate this little space on the Internet. But it will not become solely a place for me to vent or deal with life. I want to still offer and share things that would be of value and inspiration to others.
I am thinking of maybe writing a series in the future on divorce and/or annulment in the Catholic Church, as those are things that can be verymis-understood today. In the coming months, as everything becomes finalized (and as I work through the annulment process) I just ask for your prayers: that God would use this difficult, painful time to bring about greater healing and wholeness in both the lives of myself and my husband.
"In the most painful fear and hurts of our lives, will God be good? Is Jesus really good in the awful of cancer, fire, heartbreak, and devastation? In the face of all that is broken, is God good?
"In every season of our lives, we meet the edges of life we never expected. The unexpected pain of life often leaves us with the only choice of how we will endure it. We all have unexpected hard, but how do we face it? Trust God that the story is good."
-Kara Tippetts, 'The Hardest Peace'
Yes God is good even in the pain of failed marriages.
I am trusting God that the story He is writing through all of this will be good.