5 Words Improving My Relationship to Food

I like food. Like many folks, sometimes I use it in unhealthy ways like to numb emotions or celebrate something good in my life. 
Mindless eating is something I have noticed myself doing more in the last few months as I have started to live on my own. My weight has been up a bit, nothing huge, but more noticeable is how I feel when I acknowledge my relationship with food feels off.

So last Monday after my weekly Weight Watchers meeting, I decided to do something to help me stay more focused and accountable in the coming week.
I came home and drew up two signs, one for the fridge and one on the cupboard that holds most of the snack items. The notes said: "Am I really even hungry? Food is my Fuel."
Am I really even hungry?  Yup, 5 simple little words. 
Forcing myself to at least ask the question before I sit down with peanut butter and crackers for an evening catches me, and makes me think. Asking if your body really is hungry can bring awareness to the times and reasons why you eat mindlessly. 
I've started noticing more that if a show has a lot of food scenes or eating, I'll find myself thinking I "need" a snack; like the snack almost helps me enjoy the show more or something which is not true. I also have a history of mindlessly eating when there are unprocessed, big feelings swimming around; so that's a red flag I need to stop, journal, and get the emotional vomit out of my mind.
Getting more into running, I also enjoy looking at food from the perspective that food is fuel for my body, like gasoline to a car. The right fuel helps me feel good about myself and uses my body to its highest potential. Crashing on sea salt granola bars with peanut butter or mindless eating doesn't help me fuel my body properly.
Sketch up some notes on brightly colored paper. Use sharpie markers if that's you thing. Set some reminders for yourself to help you check in with yourself to see if you're eating because you're hungry or maybe "just because."
You can do hard things. Whether its re-aligning your own relationship to food or starting to exercise regularly. 
All good things in life take hard work and focus.
You can do this :)

Carrying My Own Weight

I think I owe my body an apology. 
Well to be honest, I think I owe my body hundreds of thousands of apologies for the ways over the years I have mistreated it, starved it, hid it, and hated it.

I'm sorry for taking you for granted, for not taking care of you, and for wishing you looked different. One of the hardest things for me at times has been accepting you the way you are. But as I have slowly learned to do so, it makes me take better care of myself.
Just as our bodies need steady diets of fruits and vegetables, they also need a steady diet of positive self talk and confidence. Instead over the years, I fed it with diet of negativity, mindless eating, and yo-yo dieting. I used to carry my body in this resentful, unloving, negative self-talk kind of way.
Realizing I need healthy physical activity like running began to teach me how to carry my body in a healthy, respectful way. I am learning to carry my own weight around not as some number that labels or defines me; but rather, in a way that allows me free to be me just the way I am.
Learning to carry your own weight may be easy or more difficult for you. Wherever you are on that journey of self-acceptance, hold yourself to a standard of grace not perfection. Sure its much easier said than done. But the older I get, the more amazed I find myself at the capabilities of the human body, both physically and emotionally.
Making the time to care for myself physically has increased my positive self talk and decreased the negativity. Making the time to exercise has grown my interest in eating healthy, and seeing how the right fuel can help my body work in the best condition.
Work on carrying your own weight with grace and patience. Ditch the negative self-talk and set alarms on your phone to verbally affirm yourself each day (I promise you eventually start to believe it!). I know that sounds crazy, but that small change has made a huge difference in my own life. Make exercise a non-negotiable part of life as you would with daily prayer or eating dinner every day. Refuse to give in to those little gremlins in your head that whisper you're not good.pretty.thin.fast. enough.
If I can run a half marathon, I promise you can carry your weight while showing grace and patience to yourself. ;-)

Do you owe your body an apology? What are ways you try to live a lifestyle of "grace not perfection" when it comes to exercise, food, and your body?

Never Say Never: How 13.1 Changed Me

I did it. A week ago I finished my first half marathon.
Last year after my 29th birthday I decided to take on a half marathon to celebrate turning 30. I trained, planned, and made it happen. Never have gotten into the whole exercise thing it was the health crisis of my dear aunt and doing a 5K for ovarian cancer research that got me thinking how for to long I have neglected really taking care of my body. 

I loved every freaking sweaty moment of that race...well maybe except the last two miles were I started to feel like death. My time was ideally what I wanted it, but I finished. I made a goal and chased after it. My goal of 13.1 has taught me a lot of things about myself over the last year.
Self-care is not an optional thing. If you don't take care of yourself, it actually hinders you from becoming most fully the person God wants you to be. I'm not saying to go be selfish but making time for self-care makes you feel better about yourself and live an overall more joyful life. Who knew the girl who hated to sweat growing up would later live to say the opposite?
Running has taught me more on how and why should take care of my physical body. Aside from feeling good, I notice a difference in how I talk to or think about my body. Sure I still need to work on mindless eating, but the rampant negative self-talk I would subject myself to has lessened and changed as I made time to take care of myself physically.
I feel more freedom to just be me-smiley, sassy, loud me. Learning to love myself has often come through difficult lessons throughout life. It will always take work and will never come naturally. But, I am slowly learning to love myself just the way I am. 
Maybe for you it won't be 13.1. It could be a 5K or radically changing your diet or stop drinking or leave that unhealthy relationship. But don't let fear or insecurity hold you back from chasing your dreams. Quit slacking and make s$#% happen.

Don't give up. Its never too late.Nothing is Impossible.
Just put on your awesome pants and make it happen.


What are the goals or dreams that you want to make happen in life? 
Is there anything holding you back from chasing it? 

Mindless Eating & 1 Question to Keep You Accountable

This summer, I have slowly started reading more books on real food and healthy eating. One of the best books I read was one all about mindless eating. It was absolutely fascinating! I was amazed to see how many hidden cues and persuaders that surround us on a daily basis that impact how much we eat and our food choices. 

What made me think the most was when the author specifically studied the science behind mindless eating and asked one particular question to help you keep in check why exactly you're eating (real hunger or mindlessness).

The next time you're watching TV and feel like you need a snack or are just bored stop and ask yourself this simple question: If I'm really hungry, would I eat an apple right now? If you're really hungry, a proper fuel choice such as an apple or some crunchy veggies is what your body actually needs. But if you're thinking that pint of Ben and Jerry is the answer to your "hunger pains" you're definitely towing the lines of mindless eating.

The power behind is this that mindless eating and actual hunger are two totally, completely different things. If you're truly hungry, that means your body needs nutrients and the proper fuel to keep moving. If you're not really hungry, then its more about a craving or using food even as a way to distract yourself from certain feelings and emotions. 

Part of the reason I stay connected and follow Weight Watchers is because I know my relationship with food can be a little twisted and it needs more improvement and growth. And mindless eating is one of those ways I need to become more self-aware about. Even beginning to ask myself this question has helped me see how mindless eating is as second nature to me as brushing my hair. 

I see how much power food has and how easily I can misuse it. Heck, just last night as I was putting finishing touches on our first batch of homemade laundry soap I started snacking, both mindlessly and endlessly. Why? Well because I wasn't paying attention, didn't care, was bored, etc.

The more I read and get into running I am seeing how food really is fuel for my body, and not just about living to eat. With my first half marathon in October, I want to prep my body well and give it the best possible fuel. I want to better understand how the right foods will actually make me stronger and hopefully run faster. Mindless eating is something I'll always have to be aware of and intentional about. But I am surprised how asking myself that question has helped keep me a little more in check the last few weeks.


What's your relationship with food like? How do you keep yourself honest and in check with mindless or emotional eating? Dish below, I want to gobble up all your suggestions!

Free to be Me

It's time to start a revolution...time to set beauty free.

It's time to walk run away from the 'skinny-ish vs. fat-ish wars'

A healthy image of beauty has been sabotaged by images of photo-shopped models and diet food ads galore. Beauty is now defined by completely unrealistic expectations. As women, I think many of us (me included!) can struggle with putting unrealistic expectations on ourselves, sometimes to the point of total frustration or mental exhaustion. But when an entire culture bombards and constantly tells you are never enough the way you are? Well that can wear down your spirit and rob your joy something fierce.

I think one of the hardest, difficult, and most life-giving lessons I am learning in life is how to accept myself and love me just the way I am. It is a process for sure, some days are easier than others. I am learning not to use food to deal with my emotions but rather journal my feelings. I am taking so much better care of my body physically by running and training for a half marathon.  I am slowly ditching the negative self talk that used to be a mindless tract running through my brain.

Every day I have reminders on my phone for me to stop and pray throughout the day; sometimes I am just silent and other times I will say a prayer out loud. Over the last year I have been saying this one daily: "Jesus help me to see and love myself the way You do." Of course I am not advocating prayer as a magic cure-all for body image related issues. But ya know what? More than any other time in my life, I have really truly begun to believe that to the depth of my core. I am slowly learning to love the skin I am in.

I am free to be me.

Worthy: See Yourself as God Does

One of the best things about the long weekend for Thanksgiving (along with a full tummy and family time) was the chance to get in some hard core reading time.  I.love.books.and.to read. a lot.  There are few things in that get me as excited as walking into Barnes and Noble with a gift card, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning.

One such book I finished (that was long over-due) over the holiday weekend was this treasure.  The lovely authoress (new word!) Amanda writes over at her blog, Worthy of Agape and she wrote a post recently for my series "Catholic and loving it".


I have been hearing a lot of good things about this book from other bloggers I follow so it definitely has been on "must read list" for awhile.  The basic premise of the book is helping to awaken the hearts of women today, to call out the lies that we have blindly believed for too long from Satan, but also speak the unchanging truths to our hearts that we are worthy.we are beautiful. we do have dignity. and we are called to be fierce (think Joan of Arc, the young woman solider).  I have to be honest, I have read of TON of books for women dealing with some of topics and other related ones like body image/self-esteem, but this one by far has been the best in comparison.  Honest and heart-felt it spoke truth to areas of my heart that have been bogged down for too long believing some of those lies.  This book will not help solve your emotional issues with body image, self hate, self-esteem, etc. over night, but for me personally it definitely help me grow more aware and understand myself better.

The book starts out in the beginning, with the story of the fall of Adam and Eve and how that set up humanity for a struggle in life to battle against the lies of Satan.  Amanda writes, "The Father of Lies has to start somewhere.  Satan's biggest defense, one of his greatest weapons against us, is doubt.  If he can get you to start doubting that God loves you then he begins to work his way into your heart and soul....we can start to recognize this by starting with the first lies Satan tells us as women" (pg. 20).  And what are some of those lies?  Ones many, many are too familiar with through the journey of their own life (including me): that you are not good enough, unworthy, unlovable, not pretty or thin enough,you need more make-up, and it just goes on and on.

Section two of the book focuses on the real triumph of God's love in our lives, which is really the only force that helps us love and see ourselves as He does.  In the last section of the book, this is where Amanda really offers a full punch and speaks truth to your heart on all the above issues and more.  One thing she spoke of that I never really considered before was that it takes humility on our part for love to happen and flourish.  We spend much of life at times building up walls around our hearts so we will never be hurt, but in that process we prevent joy, peace, and love from entering the deepest parts of our heart that need those things most.  Pope Benedict XVI once said, "God loves us; we need only summon up the humility to allow ourselves to be loved."  Amanda talks about what it really means to be a woman of strength and dignity; and to live it with a certain 'fierceness'.

One of the most powerful things for me in the book was when Amanda talked about the lies we have come to believe and make our own; that if we are told something enough times, we really believe it to be true.  She wrote of this analogy that just registered so deeply in my heart: "The lies are beat into our heads and hearts and they make their home within our souls.  In many ways these lies are similar to trenches often used in warfare.  Troops dig their way into the ground and hide out in the trenches.  In order to keep troops safe from incoming bullets and incoming fire, the trenches must be dug very deep into the ground.  The deeper the trenches, the safer the troops were from enemy fire.  If the trench was shallow troops risked poking their heads or limbs up and being shot.  Troops dug trenches so deep that they could stand up in them comfortably.  Satan's lies work in the same way.  The deeper he buries his lies in our hearts, the safer the lies are and safer he is.  If he only buried his lies knee-deep in our hearts he would risk attack from his enemy (God) and his defense would be blown.  So he tells us more lies, locks us in more coffins and entrenches his lies on our hearts.  These lies are entrenched so deeply that if we aren't careful, we too join in the battle, and defend Satan.  When we begin to defend Satan, we give him room to dig his trenches even deeper in our hearts, often to disastrous ends" (pg. 64)

Reading this book has been such a blessing for me in my own journey as I continue to work to on loving myself as God does, and undoing some of the lies I have believed for too long in my life.  No matter how deep our darkness is, God is still deeper.  There is never no pit of lies so twisted, no trench so deep that God cannot reach into it and totally transform our hearts.
I pray that you may blessed as I have in reading this book...

The 'Skinny-ish vs. Fat-ish' Wars

I can still remember like it was yesterday.  The first day I thought I was fat. 

I was probably 10/11 years old and it was summer time.  My best friends at the time (who were twin sisters) and I were riding our bikes to end of my street.  I have this distinct memory of looking at my legs in shorts and then at Sarah/Theresa's legs in shorts and not liking what I saw when I looked at myself.  When I didn't like what I saw, I equated what I saw in me as bad, ugly, fat, etc.  It is a distinct memory I have shared with therapists over the years on how the majority of my life I have not liked what I see in the mirror when I look at myself;  I have judged myself to the world's standards of beauty and have spent much of my life looking in disgust at my body, constantly wishing I could be "skinny-ish" instead of "fat-ish".

Over the last month or so, I have seen a lot posts in the blog-o-sphere related to these types of issues.  One thing I really enjoy about blogging is the real, heartfelt honesty of so many of the gals I follow...all of us have a story, and I think one the deepest desires of the human heart (after knowing God and truth) is to be understood by others in the context of genuine relationships. 

We are created/made for relationships, I mean why do babies not emotionally thrive when they are not nurtured as infants?  Because in the depths of our soul, we crave.thrive.desperately need. relationships!  And so today I share something deep on my heart...

So that summer day in my childhood has left a mark on me on how I see/value myself in the world.
I grew up watching and hearing my Mom look at her own body in disgust and complain and self-loathe in the mirror (No, I'm not blaming my Mom, but those experiences leave a lasting mark on a little girl).  As I became a teenager, the junior high years were rough for me.  Looking back I was never very overweight.  I went through chubby stages, but I would constantly compare myself to other girl's my age. 

In junior high my Mom could sense my frustration with my body, she started having me stand in front of the mirror after I brushed my teeth at night and helping me practice saying nice things to myself to help kill my negative self-talk.  When I knew girl's my age wearing bikini's, I decided one time while at Target myself to just try one on and see how it looked.  After seeing how I looked, I broke down in the dressing room and came home and cried about some more.  I hated how I looked in shorts.  I freaked the freak out if I was trying on a sleeveless top/dress for fear of my jiggly jello arms.  My stomach looked like a deflated balloon.  

Over the years, I have done quite well with different diets.  I thrive on routine and structure and became quite good at expecting the utmost perfection with my body; however, when my idealistic expectations are shattered because the number on the scale is too high for my comfort zone, my world comes crashing down and I flip on the inside.  When I did the Atkins diet, I was down to my lowest weigh ever, 145 pounds.  For a taller girl at 5'8, my parents started getting worried about my excessive dieting habits, and told me I could no longer do that.  I was devastated.  I had no sense of balance and self-medicated those awful feelings with food.  When I got my first job at Panera, the weigh piled back on as I sought "comfort" in the left overs from the bakery as I came home from a shift.

My highest weight, was at 195 in the beginning of college and I started doing Weight Watchers.  I have kept off a good portion of that for a long time; even though I'm still not at at weight I'm really comfortable with.  I still to this day struggle with food.  This week, I gained weight.  After a disappointing weigh in, I went and tried to drown my sorrow and frustration with a chocolate milk shake.  Knowing I need to fuel my body with good, healthy choices vs. emotionally eating to satisfy a need within me I think I cannot fix without eating it away.

To this day I still have a love/hate relationship with my body, even with striving to live a Weight Watcher lifestyle (which is pretty healthy and safe).  I still feel HIGHLY uncomfortable bearing my arms in a sleeveless dress/shirt.  I already worry about what will happen to my body when my husband and I have children someday; what that will do to my already shaky impression of how I view myself.  Will a new postpartum body send me off into a black hole of feeling even worse?? I still struggle with emotional eating and feel I'm constantly on a see-saw going back and forth how I feel in my own skin.

I heard some statistic recently that more people in the US would rather shave 10 years off there life earlier just so they could be at the exact ideal weight they have wanted their whole life?  What does that message send to us??  What kind of message are we sending to young girl's learning to feel comfortable in their own skin or young men on how they treat the women in their lives??  There is an emotional, spiritual epidemic in our culture that robs peace/joy of many men and women who struggle with the desire to be more "skinny-ish" vs. "fat-ish."  And I am one of those women.  Recovering? Yes.  But very, very slowly with many mis-steps along the way...

BUT...amazingly enough, over the past 6 months or so, I have had this strong sense, that I REALLY have to do some serious work in this area of my life.  I have sensed just in the little day to day things in my life, and most especially in my spiritual life as I talk to my spiritual director.  I have been battling the "skinny-ish vs. fat-ish" wars for a long time, but I ain't giving up!!  I'm going to keep working, learning, and allowing myself permission to NOT be perfect...in how I think I should be or how the world tells me I should be.  I want to be an emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy woman...I want to be healthy in all those ways for ME.  I want take tack back the territory in my heart/soul that I have believed for too freaking long in my life, the lies that I have let cloud my vision who I really am.

Maybe you're in the midst of your own version of the "skinny-ish vs. fat-ish" wars, but lets work together as women to help support. encourage. nurture each other to embrace our bodies.  Together let's work to put a greater emphasis on living a life a virtue, being a good wife/mom/student, etc. over what size we were or what we look like.

 I am leaving you with something I have recently discovered that have helped me check myself as I work on my own "skinny-ish vs. fat-ish" wars in my life....may this speak to your heart, mind, and soul as well :)

 

                                                Watch with a box of Kleenex. FOR. REALZ.


So go out there you beautifully, bodacious woman...and beat the "skinny-ish vs. fat-ish" wars in your life :)