24 August 2013

The 'Skinny-ish vs. Fat-ish' Wars

I can still remember like it was yesterday.  The first day I thought I was fat. 

I was probably 10/11 years old and it was summer time.  My best friends at the time (who were twin sisters) and I were riding our bikes to end of my street.  I have this distinct memory of looking at my legs in shorts and then at Sarah/Theresa's legs in shorts and not liking what I saw when I looked at myself.  When I didn't like what I saw, I equated what I saw in me as bad, ugly, fat, etc.  It is a distinct memory I have shared with therapists over the years on how the majority of my life I have not liked what I see in the mirror when I look at myself;  I have judged myself to the world's standards of beauty and have spent much of my life looking in disgust at my body, constantly wishing I could be "skinny-ish" instead of "fat-ish".

Over the last month or so, I have seen a lot posts in the blog-o-sphere related to these types of issues.  One thing I really enjoy about blogging is the real, heartfelt honesty of so many of the gals I follow...all of us have a story, and I think one the deepest desires of the human heart (after knowing God and truth) is to be understood by others in the context of genuine relationships. 

We are created/made for relationships, I mean why do babies not emotionally thrive when they are not nurtured as infants?  Because in the depths of our soul, we crave.thrive.desperately need. relationships!  And so today I share something deep on my heart...


So that summer day in my childhood has left a mark on me on how I see/value myself in the world.
I grew up watching and hearing my Mom look at her own body in disgust and complain and self-loathe in the mirror (No, I'm not blaming my Mom, but those experiences leave a lasting mark on a little girl).  As I became a teenager, the junior high years were rough for me.  Looking back I was never very overweight.  I went through chubby stages, but I would constantly compare myself to other girl's my age. 

In junior high my Mom could sense my frustration with my body, she started having me stand in front of the mirror after I brushed my teeth at night and helping me practice saying nice things to myself to help kill my negative self-talk.  When I knew girl's my age wearing bikini's, I decided one time while at Target myself to just try one on and see how it looked.  After seeing how I looked, I broke down in the dressing room and came home and cried about some more.  I hated how I looked in shorts.  I freaked the freak out if I was trying on a sleeveless top/dress for fear of my jiggly jello arms.  My stomach looked like a deflated balloon.  

Over the years, I have done quite well with different diets.  I thrive on routine and structure and became quite good at expecting the utmost perfection with my body; however, when my idealistic expectations are shattered because the number on the scale is too high for my comfort zone, my world comes crashing down and I flip on the inside.  When I did the Atkins diet, I was down to my lowest weigh ever, 145 pounds.  For a taller girl at 5'8, my parents started getting worried about my excessive dieting habits, and told me I could no longer do that.  I was devastated.  I had no sense of balance and self-medicated those awful feelings with food.  When I got my first job at Panera, the weigh piled back on as I sought "comfort" in the left overs from the bakery as I came home from a shift.

My highest weight, was at 195 in the beginning of college and I started doing Weight Watchers.  I have kept off a good portion of that for a long time; even though I'm still not at at weight I'm really comfortable with.  I still to this day struggle with food.  This week, I gained weight.  After a disappointing weigh in, I went and tried to drown my sorrow and frustration with a chocolate milk shake.  Knowing I need to fuel my body with good, healthy choices vs. emotionally eating to satisfy a need within me I think I cannot fix without eating it away.

To this day I still have a love/hate relationship with my body, even with striving to live a Weight Watcher lifestyle (which is pretty healthy and safe).  I still feel HIGHLY uncomfortable bearing my arms in a sleeveless dress/shirt.  I already worry about what will happen to my body when my husband and I have children someday; what that will do to my already shaky impression of how I view myself.  Will a new postpartum body send me off into a black hole of feeling even worse?? I still struggle with emotional eating and feel I'm constantly on a see-saw going back and forth how I feel in my own skin.

I heard some statistic recently that more people in the US would rather shave 10 years off there life earlier just so they could be at the exact ideal weight they have wanted their whole life?  What does that message send to us??  What kind of message are we sending to young girl's learning to feel comfortable in their own skin or young men on how they treat the women in their lives??  There is an emotional, spiritual epidemic in our culture that robs peace/joy of many men and women who struggle with the desire to be more "skinny-ish" vs. "fat-ish."  And I am one of those women.  Recovering? Yes.  But very, very slowly with many mis-steps along the way...

BUT...amazingly enough, over the past 6 months or so, I have had this strong sense, that I REALLY have to do some serious work in this area of my life.  I have sensed just in the little day to day things in my life, and most especially in my spiritual life as I talk to my spiritual director.  I have been battling the "skinny-ish vs. fat-ish" wars for a long time, but I ain't giving up!!  I'm going to keep working, learning, and allowing myself permission to NOT be perfect...in how I think I should be or how the world tells me I should be.  I want to be an emotionally, spiritually, and physically healthy woman...I want to be healthy in all those ways for ME.  I want take tack back the territory in my heart/soul that I have believed for too freaking long in my life, the lies that I have let cloud my vision who I really am.

Maybe you're in the midst of your own version of the "skinny-ish vs. fat-ish" wars, but lets work together as women to help support. encourage. nurture each other to embrace our bodies.  Together let's work to put a greater emphasis on living a life a virtue, being a good wife/mom/student, etc. over what size we were or what we look like.

 I am leaving you with something I have recently discovered that have helped me check myself as I work on my own "skinny-ish vs. fat-ish" wars in my life....may this speak to your heart, mind, and soul as well :)

 
                                                Watch with a box of Kleenex. FOR. REALZ.


So go out there you beautifully, bodacious woman...and beat the "skinny-ish vs. fat-ish" wars in your life :)

12 comments:

  1. So, so, so very true. Thank you for having the courage to write and share this. It is a life long struggle, isn't it? I am in a wedding in October and there has been plenty of trash talking in my mind about the dress. I am still nursing my youngest, so there's that as well. Sheesh. But thank you for the encouragement!

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  2. Thank you so much for this post. And you weren't kidding about the Kleenex! I have the same obsession about my arms and my life has been a constant yo-yo of weight gain and loss, so I know how hard it is not to slam yourself every time you see yourself in a mirror or when your clothes are too tight and you ask yourself, "How did I let this happen again?". So I'm trying to change my way of thinking: once you fill your life with the good things, there will be no room for the bad. That applies to everything--including food. Add more good things instead of eliminating all the bad at once. It's a gradual process, but hopefully a good thing in the long run. Thank you for your inspiration! And, BTW, you are beautiful!! :)

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    1. Thanks so much Rachelle!! That video always helps me check myself ;)
      I appreciate your words:)

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  3. I could not agree with you more. I have been working on reminding myself more and more that I am not my dress size. My largest weight was 216lbs....I was disgusted at what I saw and how I felt. But God has really been working on me so that I would love myself and see myself the way he sees me. My heart not my weight is what matters to him. That being said he has been helping me to care for myself more I noticed that a lot of my weight gain came from neglecting myself. Not having proper time to cook the foods I wanted or to spend the time outdoors that I wanted. Self care, self love is very important how else can we love others if we don't even love or care for ourselves. Any how I am going off on a tangent lol. Great post.

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  4. For many, many years, i never wore shorts, largely because I didn't want anyone to see my legs. I'm still not that comfortable in the, but now I do own some--for me, simply knowing that my husband loves me and thinks I'm beautiful regardless of whether I meet society's 'standards' has been such a blessing!

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  5. Thanks for the sweet comment, beauty! Love this post!

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  6. Isn't that video eye opening, amazing and sad? My daughters saw it at Challenge Girls Camp and came home & told me about it. We watched it together & I cried. I cried for all the crap I was told growing up. I cried because my daughters don't hear that bull at home, but the world--the television, the magazines, etc...

    Suscipio4women
    Catholic Women’s Almanac

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    1. I know right Jenny, that video always makes me stop and think:)

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  7. It really makes you wonder, doesn't it? I too have struggled with the same issues. Even to the point where I know that when I have a 'good weight day" I actually acknowledge that I love myself more then if I am having a 'bad weight' day. Now, as you know, I am pregnant with my first, a girl, due in November, and while pregnancy has been interesting I think I focus more on what is the 'right' thing to eat, the healthy choice, the one that honestly "will not make me feel/look fat" as opposed to thinking, what does the baby need/want.... What is even more scary is that at 29 years old, I have yet to figure this out. I want my daughter to love herself, feel proud of herself and not judge herself by numbers on a scale... How can I teach her to do that if I am never able too....

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    1. I do the same thing too!!! Actually love myself/feel better about me if I have a "skinnier day." I think about the same thing to especially if we have daughters, I don't want her to feel that way about herself wither...it is tough for sure. I think part of it is just being honest and real in your own struggles as her Mommy and help heal yourself in those area's...

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  8. You know, when I switched over to wearing skirts and dresses the majority of the time, my body image really improved. I can remember crying over trying on pants/shorts in the store because they are a one size fits all and women definitely aren't made like that. I feel like I have more leeway with skirts/dresses (especially when it comes to my waist/hip proportions!)

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