Don't argue about pickles

Of all things to fight about on a Friday night with my husband...pickles.  Really!?

A few weeks ago our good friend was spending the weekend with us.  Jim and I got home late and realized that at 10p it would probably be a good idea to get some dinner going.  It usually helps to cook good meal when there's more than cheese and lemon juice in the fridge.

Since I didn't feel like consuming a meal of lemon juice, I busted out the can opener and tuna fish.  I was in the middle of draining and mixing up the tuna and realized I could use an extra hand slicing up the pickles to throw in the tuna.  Jim didn't seem thrilled that his guitar playing was interrupted with my request to slice pickles.  And like a loving, attentive wife how did I handle that?
Well I continued to nag.  And nag.  He continued to not like that.

The next thing I know we're yelling (yes yelling) over who would slice the pickles.  Of course because we are such a classy couple we decided to carry on about the pickle drama to the point of potentially making our lovely house guest feel like an awkward bear. #worsthostsever

The next morning our wise sage of a friend called out our crazy making for what it was...which was pretty cray cray.  In the end, we resolved the great pickle crisis of 2014 with a peace treaty and handshakes all around.

All in all, fighting over pickles really isn't that big a deal in the scheme of things.  And the fact it was almost the Cuban Missile Crisis over pickles is something to laugh about now.  Whatever that stupid stuff is you fight about with your spouse late on Friday night, its really not about that.  
Good thing I have the maturity of Lucy Ricardo to not let the petty fights in marriage get to me...well I've still got room to improve.

May your fights be fair and not about pickles!

How NOT to handle anger in marriage...

 Honestly I would not describe myself as an 'angry' type person; I'm not a yeller or a rager.  Sure I have my cold shoulder and pouty moments, but anger for me is an emotion I don't do a whole lot.  One thing marriage is teaching me is how to learn from my mistakes, to use them as an opportunity to learn from them and (hopefully) not continually keep screwing up.   Sure we all get angry at times throughout life, but of course its what you do with the anger that is what really matters.

Obviously from the title, I have learned some valuable lessons almost two years in on how to anger the wrong and right way.



1.  DON'T kick a hole in your bedroom door....do go for a walk, journal about your feelings.

Yes I one time was so angry I kicked a hole in our bedroom door.  Ouch and yikes.  Breaking things is anger done poorly.  Lesson learned for me!  Not to mention it makes an awkward reminder of a bad decision I choose to do when I just wasn't mature enough to use my words or go journal about whatever the hell I was mad at to begin with. 



2.  DON'T throw a hissy fit....do take a grown up version of "time out"
When I was little, I have one clear memory of totally loosing it in public with my Mom.  I remember laying on the ground thrashing, kicking, and screaming.  Hot mess 101.  She promptly scooped me up and carried me to the car where I was put in my car seat.  I then got the "look" and she proceeded to tell me I would NOT behave in public like that again.  Any time I saw the "look", I knew Mom or Dad meant business. 

Fast forward 25 years.  And no, I didn't lay down in public thrashing as an adult.  But I have thrown a few hissy fits since getting married.  The kind where I've stomped my feet (I know, miss maturity), slammed doors, and walked out in a loud, noticeable way to make a point.  Because I'm 28 and not 5 years old anymore, learning to take a grown up 'time out" is a grand thing.  Taking anger out on the treadmill, what a wonderful to let out the steam! Journaling about the feelings of what's behind big feelings also has helped me reign it in.

 3.  DON'T be passive aggressive...do use your words, and if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all

So this winter Michigan got an insane amount of snow.  One morning as I was heading out the door to work, Jim and I had a small tiff.  Well obviously it was more than a 'small tiff' because as I was tromping out to my car in the snow, I decided to use my leftover steam to hurl a few snow balls at Jim's truck to 'deal' with my feelings.  Later he called me and asked if I knew why his truck was covered in snow when only 2 hours before he had cleared it?  Ummm, well you see....  #awkward




 So is anger a 'bad' thing? No, not necessarily but if you feel the need to throw snowballs with Buddy-the-elf-like fury or break something, you might want to check yo self...before you wreck yo self or someone else.

May your days be merry and bright...and all your emotions handled with grace and class:)

Top 5 Stupidest Fights...

....in the 18 months we have been married.

A few nights ago, Jim and I were reminiscing about the crazy, stupid fights we have had in being married thus far.  Feels weird to talk about reminiscing on old fights, but man oh man have we wasted time and energy on fighting on some crazy dumb things.  We actually categorized which ones were our top 5.  Thankfully we didn't argue on that; well, at least not too much.
The following were our favorites:)


1. The ever sacred "chore chart"
Let's just say I like structure.  I especially like my way of structuring things because lets face it before you I got married, I definitely liked doing things my way.  Because of course my way was the correct way.  This was very true especially when it came to keeping a neat/clean home.  About two weeks after we got back from our Alaskan cruise honeymoon, I eagerly sat down with Jim at dinner and said something to the effect of, "Okay, so honey when are we going to make up a chore chart for our home?"  I was dead serious, and Jim just stared at me.  Clearly I didn't get it, because I started happily chatting away about how often things should be clean and home maintenance and blah blah blah blah (insert the voice of the teacher from the Charlie Brown movies here).

We have fought long and hard many time on when to clean, how to clean, who should clean; you name it, we've probably had some "lively discussions" about it.  The trickiest part of it all was that in my home of origin I grew up on chore chart, Mom had it color coated and all perfectly aligned and hanging neatly on the fridge; chores were just a part of life as I knew it.  In Jim's family of origin, it was the total opposite; he had no household chores and his Mom did everything herself, including everybody's laundry.  So here we had little Miss Lysol meets Mr. Pigpen.  Obviously after we came home from our lovely honeymoon, our two worlds of expectations on chores/household cleaning were about to have a head on collision. 

Only in the past few months have we begun to strike a balance that challenges me to be a less critical and controlling bear, while challenging Jim to be more pro-active and responsible in chores.  We created a chore chart together with chores that to need to happen and how often we complete them.  It is a fine and fancy Excel document that even has a box to for our initials when we complete chores.  Oh.happy.day.  Even better it has definitely helped resolve some of the crazy tension around chores in our home.


2. Are farts funny or gross/stupid?
If you be a gal who doesn't find potty humor funny, move on to #3.
My dear husband is the type of man who finds potty humor to be quite hysterical, like uncontrollable-giggles-hysterical.  Growing up for him it was very normal to have burping contests at dinner and multiple people finding humor in the noises of bodily functions (farting).  Manners were a big deal for us growing up and when we were younger my Mom didn't even like the word fart.

We actually had a debate one night (that may have did escalate in term of volume aka yelling) on how Jim thinks some potty humor is fine and that there is nothing inherently wrong about laughing at a fart.  I on the other hand find constant potty humor and drawing attention to farts icky, gross, and generally not as funny.  Needless to say I have gotten my panties all bunched up about bodily noises and probably did make a bigger deal on it than necessary.
So our combined conclusion when it comes to farting? There is an appropriate time and place to find such related things hysterically funny (Jim), but it is certainly not something to get SO bent outta shape on (Patty).  I may never find a good fart story terribly funny, but then again Jim probably will never get stoked to scrub the kitchen floor or do a crafting project with me either:)


3.  How often to clean the toilets
 Yes this is related to #1.  In fighting about how to do chores/make a chore chart, one thing we kept coming back to was how often to clean the toilets.  Jim's prized theory?  Clean it when you think you should, i.e. maybe once a month.  When I heard that I was ready to hit gingerly tap him on the head with the toilet brush.  I was shocked and kindly let Jim know just because you don't see germs or the toilet looks like it needs to be cleaned, doesn't mean you just leave it for a whole month.  After some a lot of going back and forth and researching online actually how dirty a toilet easily gets in a small household, we both came to a happy place and decided we can live in a home where the toilets are cleaned every other week.  Although sometimes I still get an urge to throw in an occasional weekly clean...


4. Decorating
 Both of us can tend to be stubborn people at times, so when it came to decorating it definitely took longer than needed because whether a picture to hang or where to place furniture we both wanted it done. our. way.
How many ungodly hours did we spend arguing where to hang our Papal blessing we received as a wedding gift....really of all things to argue about we chose that one??  Then there were of course the several occasions I decided to take a whack at hanging pictures/decorations on the wall myself.  After too many holes in the wrong place and not putting it in an agreed place between the both of us, Jim wasn't too impressed with my efforts. 
Learning to decorate together with both of us involved has been a process, but looking back I see now how it really is important that we both are a part of making our house into a home.


5.  Names for future children
This is one is my personal favorite.  Ever since I was a little girl, I always liked to dream and imagine what the names of my future babies would me.  So off course when I met the husband, I thought this would be a fun game to play together. no.such.luck.
Currently we have no children and no bun baking in the oven, but geez-a-lou have we had some discussions on names for future little ones.  I got so mad one time, yes I admit I stormed out of the apartment.  I really think Jim likes to come up with the most odd, possibly heinous names merely to piss me off and drive me bonkers.  Apparently it has worked.
Jim's favorite names? Bartholomew, Odysseus, Thor, Samson, Gizmo, Edna, Marge.  Even though he was mostly joking, it made me mentally nuts to even imagine bringing home a baby Thor Hubbard.  The situation was not helped any when Jim said my favorite girl name (Emma) could never work because it made him think of enema.  Thanks dearest for that one:)
All I know is when we do have little ones I think we will already have had plenty of discussions to cover names we do and do not like.


18 months in and we have had some interesting just plain crazy, weird fights...here's to hoping the next 18 months and years are full of more wisdom and maturity on both our parts!

I always thought I was a good listener...

...and then I got married.

When people would ask you to recall what your strengths were I would almost always think to myself, "Yeah, I'm a pretty good listener...I mean I haven't been getting complaints that I'm not."  People have affirmed me that when they talk to me they feel that they have been heard and understood.  Whether it is a close friend who just needs a shoulder to cry on because of family drama or a teen going through a difficult situation at church, I really value helping people; and one of the best ways is by just being there to listen.

So, yeah. Jim and I get married.  And very recently, I have realized that somehow all those 'good' listening skills I do a fairly decent job with other people in my professional and personal life, somehow they don't always translate so well into one of the most important relationships in life: my marriage.

A few Sunday's ago we were getting ready to go to an evening Mass.  As we were getting ready, we started going at it with snippy comments and attitudes galore, which then led to the silent treatment.  Yup, we're 'that' mature newlywed couple.  I know; not really the best way to be disposed to the graces of all things awesome which is holy Mass.  It was not good.
We returned home in silence and then proceeded to begin up again with snippy, unkind comments.  Jim got fed up with me and made dinner and went to watch TV.  I was also not thinking nice things towards the husband so I decided to just head to bed; even though deep down I know nothing is quite worse than going to bed angry.  After 30ish minutes of tossing and turning, I grabbed my blankie (yes I still sleep with the blankie my Mom crocheted me) and walked out and asked if we could talk.

I asked Jim how he was feeling.  He honestly started telling me how felt so frustrated that it feels like sometimes I don't listen to him well; that more often than not, I'm interrupting him and offering my two sense about what I think/how the situation should be handled.  He said he felt bad he snapped at me, but that sometimes he just feels like he is not being heard by me. Ouch. BIG. ouch.
Me asking him that question led to a very late night of talking but also some really fruitful conversation on the importance of how we both need each other to be good listeners for the other.  I apologized and admitted that I was the one at fault in this particular situation (I hate when I have to do that...working on humility too ;-).

One thing we did as an exercise to really take something away from this unpleasant Sunday evening of tense-ness was to practice a little reflective listening.  When Jim suggested it, at first I thought it was some his social work mumbo jumbo and that he was trying to analyze me.  But when he started expressing his frustration, reflecting back what he was saying did two really cool things: 1) It really forced me to listen to his feelings and where he was at because I knew I had to say something back to show I openly heard him and 2) It really made Jim felt like he was being being heard, which then helped me see more where he was coming from.  And then after he felt like I really heard and listened he asked me how I was feeling on a particular situation, which then gave me the opportunity to be open and share where I was at; then allowing him to do the same thing go me.  Know of course I am not trying to suggest couples go through this long process to properly listen to each other or that we even are doing this without flaw since my recent "marriage aha!" moment BUT it really was good for us because still being new to this whole marriage thing communication is where one or both of us often have a tendency to miss an opportunity to be selfless and patient, and instead flip the flip out and just make a not enjoyable situation in our home.  It is very easy for me to criticize Jim and at the drop of the hat point out where he is not being the good listener I need him to be for me, but when it comes to admitting my faults...sometimes that takes me a bit longer to come around.

Since we did this I have been thinking more about the ways we communicate as husband and wife, and where specifically are my weaknesses in being a good listener in our relationship.


1.  I am seeing how quick I am to right away criticize my husband.  This past weekend we both took teens from the church to a rocking awesome youth conference.  We were gone from early Friday morning to late Sunday evening.  I was out doing errands today to come home and find Jim passed out on the couch still recovering from the weekend exhaustion.  Instantly I got frustrated and ticked off that the house was still a mess and he hadn't unpacked; thankfully I didn't become a raging menace or start yelling, but the reason I mention this is because the first thing I did when I came home was mentally criticize what he didn't do.  Sometimes Jim has expressed that he has felt like I only value what/how much he is able to get done around the house/chores/errands in a given day.  And I think in a way he is right.  I am the type that thrives on to-do lists, order, schedule, and when things don't go "my way" sometimes I respond in less than stellar ways.  I am growing more aware of this as a weakness in me, and I truly don't want Jim to feel I only value how much he cleans or does laundry.

2.  I am starting to realize how MUCH I interrupt the poor guy way too often.  Since really having more intentional conversations about how we communicate (or don't) as a couple, I am realizing how easily and often I have the tendency to interrupt Jim in little and big ways.  It's something little, but it can make a not so great difference in a big way...I know when I'm interrupted I don't like it, so why do it to him??? I think one reason is I am more quick to offer my 2 cents to a situation than letting him finish and really hearing him.  Once I have started paying attention more to this, I have seen how much I do it...work.in.progress.

3. I realize I need to make sure I am daily giving my husband affirmations and saying kind things that lift him up.  I think one reason I tend to be more critical of him is because I am so hard.critical.judgmental of myself that sometimes it spills over into the most intimate relationships in life like our marriage; no that is not an excuse, but I think it is a contributing factor at times.  I don't always love myself well on the inside and set very high and sometimes unrealistic expectations on myself, which is perhaps a reason that Jim feels like I expect so much from him sometimes. 
One of the lines in the job description of the wifely life, is to work to build up and encourage my husband...not tear him down by being critical or too harsh in words/attitude.  I really want to help make our home together a happy, joyful place and I am starting to see how sometimes my critical eye of things can leave him feeling torn down and not good enough.

4.  As much as I hated when Jim suggested we do that reflective listening exercise and I made fun of it in my head, it really was a good thing for us.  No, I am not saying every time we have a disagreement we wipe out our reflective listening tool box, but perhaps if we both strive to more intentionally and honestly listen to each other that could make a difference when we start to disagree on something.  Being able to show your spouse that you really understood and heard them is important, and I'm glad I am starting to realize that at the beginning of the game instead of 10 or 15 years down the road.

Recently in my small group, we talked about what what it means to be a Proverbs 31 woman in the modern world; what does that look like and how do we as women find that rhythm and balance amid the business of our lives.  As I have been thinking about how I do and don't always do listening well, I think of some of the words in the book of Proverbs: "She opens her mouth in wisdom, kindly instruction is on her tongue..." Marriage really purifies a person, and right now I'm being purified in ways as I think about and reflect on how the ways I need to work on being less critical and a more open listener.

I guess that is one of the hard/funny things about marriage...yes it's a never ending slumber party with the person you love and cherish, but then you also have to deal when with when your beloved brings to your attention your own faults and shot comings.  Slowly and surely, I am getting better at accepting that from my husband and being more humble to admit and be honest with myself about it too.

What are things any of you married ladies do to strive to be a better listener in your relationship with your husband?  What are some the lessons you have learned along the way?

6 Lessons from the first 6 months

June 22 was the beginning of an adventure, and here we are six months into this crazy, hard, wonderful thing called marriage.  There has been yelling and arguments, laughter and hugs...and somehow with God's help, we are learning how to work together and be a family.

I have to admit though, I really thought I was one of those people who didn't have those dreamy expectations of marriage.  You know, thinking that it was all going to be roses and sunshine.  I have had many a conversations with my married friends and many a good talks with my mom on how to make a marriage work.  But once we started the daily routine of just living together as husband and wife, I realized how MUCH of a personal choice it is to make this work.  I can choose to be grumpy/cranky after a long week of work when Jim doesn't get the chores done that I ask him or choosing to let him watch his favorite show instead of complaining when we don't get to watch another episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" for the millionth time.  It's a choice everyday.  A choice to die to myself out of love for another or be the selfish, whiny, sass-pot I more often than not have a tendency to be.
So anyway here's what I'm realizing/learning very early on in the game.

1.  It's not ALL about having a perfectly clean home 24/7
Probably within the first week of getting home from our honeymoon, I said to Jim one night at dinner, "Okay, now we have to get on a daily/weekly cleaning schedule."  Poor guy, he looked at me like I had 5 heads.  Let's just say that I'm the one that's all about having a routine in our home, where as Jim is the more relaxed, laid back, spontaneous one.  But I have noticed and am realizing sometimes I get all worked up about our home not always being "perfectly clean."  And no we are not living in filth, but I am realizing that sometimes I get a little carried away.  It will not kill me if a sink of dishes waits to be cleaned the next day; however, if it sits there for a week, then that's another story.  One way we are working on this together is having something every evening called a "15 minute pick-up."  For 15 minutes before we head to bed, we spend the time doing a general clean-up around the apartment: finishing the dishes, picking up laundry, taking out the trash, etc.  So far it is working good for us, and a little way to help me not be so crazy anal retentive about the up keep of our home.  Go Team Hubbard!

2.  Don't go to bed angry/Leave for work without the "I'm Sorry's"
I do NOT like going to bed mad at each other or leaving for work being mad at each other either; kinda sucks.  Majorly.  Anger left unaddressed, even if over something little, just breeds resentment and cranky feelings.  Which is not a good way to head off to dream land or start a busy day at the office.  We have had a few occasions where we went to bed giving each other the silent treatment or heading off to work with few words to each other.  And we are both learning how that really does suck, and does nothing to solve the disagreement we are having.  That old saying, "Don't let the sun go down on your anger" is very true, and we are learning through trial and error how true it is. :)

3.  I REALLY showed have paid more attention in learning how to cook
Growing up, my Mom tried to teach me basic cooking skills, knowing someday when I was married or out on my own, I would be able to cook.  It is has been an ongoing joke for quite some time in my family, that my cooking ability consists of heating a Lean Cuisine frozen dinner or pouring milk into a bowl of cereal.  And know that I'm married, I'm realizing that I REALLY should have paid more attention when my Mom tried to drum up my interest in cooking skills 101.  When my Mom and I have our bi-weekly lunch dates, one of her first questions is, "What new recipes have you tried making for dinner?"  More often than not, I'm just smiling at her saying something like, "Ohhh Mom." ;-)  Jim is usually preparing main parts for dinner, like cooking the meat...BUT I'm a great salad maker ;-)  And off course if he makes most of dinner, I step up to do the dishes.  BUT with the help of a wonderful online thing called "Pinterest" I'm quickly acquiring an assortment of tasty recipes to try my hands out at.  Most recently I made some appetizers for Thanksgiving and a bunch of fancy holiday treats for a Christmas party I had a few weeks ago.  And for Christmas Eve dinner, I'm making a fancy breakfast buffet of yumminess.  Practice makes perfect, and I'm slowly working on my cooking skills.  But for real.  Mom, you were right...I should have paid better attention all those years you tried helping to teach me things :).

4.  The family that prays together stays together
Neither of us claims to be saints...we are both very much "works in progress."  But there really is something to be said about praying together as a couple.  And no I'm not talking about walking around with your head bowed in deep contemplation 24/7 or acting like you are "holier than thou."  But I'm just talking about bringing God into your marriage and family life...like praying together as a couple in any/all decisions.  We're not great at it (praying together), but we keep pluggin away at it.  Even if its just praying over each other for 5 minutes before we head off to bed, every little bit helps and adds up.  And every time we do pray together, I am reminded how much it is like super glue for our relationship.  Yay prayer.  Yay Jesus :)

5.  We need to make decisions together
Okay, this one may sound quite obvious to some of you.  But for me, I have found myself sometimes slipping into the habit of making decisions for both of us without consulting the hubster; like buying a piece of art to hang up in the apartment or making plans for the weekend without asking Jim for his input or "deciding" where to arrange things in the apartment or picking names for future kidlets.  I think part of this comes from selfish tendencies, and also just being used to for so long being able to do things my own way.  But know we be a family, a team...and there is no 'I' in team.  Jim has pointed this out to me several times, and the weird thing is I didn't even notice I was doing it...but like in all these things, it's a work in progress :)


6.  Still make time to "date each other"
Our lives are both pretty busy between work and graduate school...but it is still important to make time for each other, to still date each other.  It doesn't always have to involve money.  It can be something as little as having a marathon of watching all the Christmas episodes of "The Office" or leaving little love notes around the apartment for each other or sending a text message during the day "just because" or taking a Rosary walk in the woods behind our apartment complex.  It's the little joys that add up to create a happy, healthy marriage.  :)


If this is what the first six months has been like, I cannot imagine and wait to find out what the future holds :)

 

"I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine."

 

-Song of Songs 6:3

 

Lessons I Think Marriage will Teach Me...

Recently, I shared with Jim, "Hey you know what, I think marriage is going to teach me A LOT of stuff."  Know that may sound like a dumb observation, for of course it will teach me many things.  But I guess that is something I have been thinking and praying about recently; the lessons I think marriage will teach me. 
So here are my thoughts on what I think marriage will teach me:

Marriage will teach me to be less selfish:  For over 26 years, it has just been me.  Me taking care of me.  Not that I am the world's most ego-centric person, but I admit I am comfortable being selfish; having to only take care of my needs and how things outside in the world affect me and my life.  As Jim and I have been together, I have learned more that real love is about putting the significant other in my life first....to think about his needs first....to think about how something is affecting his life before my own...to sacrifice my own wants or needs to take better care of him.  I want to and pray a lot for the grace to be a good wife, and I think it takes time and probably A LOT of practice to grow in selflessness.

Marriage will teach me not to keep score:  When I was growing up, I was really good at keeping score. like really good.  Of how many more times I had to unload the dishwasher than my sister or how many more times I had to run a last minute errand for my Mom, etc...you get the idea.  But you know what, those childish ways won't work in a team work effort like marriage.  I am sure there will be plenty of times I will have to rely on Jim to do extra things around the house when I have a busy weekend full of Youth Ministry activities or long evening meetings.  And there will be plenty of times Jim will need me to help him out by doing the grocery shopping or house chores so he can study for finals or meet with his clients.  Keeping score in a marriage, I think will only frustrate and create tension between husband and wife.  Keeping "track" of who does more stuff around the house from one week to the next is not healthy of right...because marriage, Christian marriage is ALL about self-sacrifice.  Hopefully by realizing and thinking about some of these things now, will help us out when push comes to shove.

Marriage will teach me to love unconditionally:  I am perfectly aware that marriage is not all butterflies and roses; that it's not always two people skipping on a sandy beach holding hands.  Living with Jim in the sacrament of marriage will help and teach me to love NO MATTER WHAT.  To love him even when he drives me bonkers with annoying habits...to love him when we disagree and argue about stuff....to love him when he makes mistakes...to love him at times he needs it most.  In short, marriage will teach me to be a better Christian lover to my husband.  And at the end of life, that's what I want to know I did a good job in...my marriage.

All in all, I pray Jim and I can always work together to create a happy, holy, and healthy marriage.  As June 22, 2012 draws closer, I think about all I have to learn...and the journey we will share in learning it together with each other :)