When Jesus Tells You More Needs to Die

Friends, it has been a Lenty Lent.
In more ways than one.

I am working through my feelings and thoughts from a recent break-up.
I look at the calendar and realize today, April 5, will be three years since my divorce was finalized. 
Several weeks ago, I saw my former husband for the first time since the day of our divorce.
On top of all this, Jesus has made it very clear to me that there are more things inside of me that still need to die. Ouch, Lord.
Let me explain.

In the middle of March, my Mom and I went to a night of prophetic prayer ministry at a local parish. Upon sitting down and looking around, I realized my former husband was also present. The last time I have seen him was at court for the finalization of our divorce.
Instantly I felt anxious and afraid. I wanted to flee the scene, but I didn't want to run away because we saw him.
So we stayed.  The worship team began to play the song "Reckless Love."
Tears started running down my face.  My heart tensed up, Why is HE here? He shouldn't be here. He doesn't deserve to be here. Right away, I could feel the anger and bitterness seeping in. In the moment, I acknowledged it to Jesus, reminding myself my ex husband is just as beloved by the Father as I am.
The night went on. 
My mom and I were each prayer over. The prophecy's spoken over me were accurate and very true to some things in my life. God was present. He showed up in His kindness and love.
Over the next few days in prayer, I kept asking Jesus, Why now? Why did I have to run into him now during Lent, right after a breakup with a good man? Why did this happen now?
The answer I heard in my heart?
Because there are still some things that need to die inside of you.

I was frustrated, even a little angry by that response. And to be honest, it caught me off guard. Over the last few years, I have had a lot things die. I have grown through it all and done a lot healing work. 
So hesitantly, I leaned in closer. Deep breath. Okay Jesus, what are these things that still need to die inside of me?
The Lord is slowly and gently revealing what needs to be dealt with:

• a deeper forgiveness of my former husband so the next time I see him I could actually approach him or speak to him in kindness, forgive and bless him. That my heart would not react in bitterness or resentment.
• grieving and giving to Jesus the expectations of how I thought my life would look by this point in life.
• Acknowledging that I do not trust the Lord very well, especially with the desires of my heart. Specifically how do I just give him those trusting in a bigger, deeper plan I cannot understand.

Slowly, He is speaking. I need to continue to be still and ask the Lord what He has to say about each of those things.

It is hard. 

And messy.

And a little overwhelming at times.

But I keep praying Jesus help me and asking the Lord for His perspective on what is coming up inside of me.

I am not sure exactly what will come about for me at Easter or what the next six months or years hold for my life.

But maybe I am finally beginning to realize my life is not my own, I cannot see the future. I don't have control over every single area or situation in my life.

I am fairly certain I will need the reminders again, but I wholeheartedly want to use this time, this season to work through these things in my life the Lord doesn't want me dragging around.

I am pressing in close, reminding myself the whole of life is full of both deaths and resurrections.

Growth will come.

New life will come. 

It will come for me.

It will come for you too.

My life is not my own.

And even if the story looks radically different than I ever imagined, I know He has a plan for me.

If you are looking for a way to pray and celebrate the Easter season, Blessed is She has just released Risen: 50 Ways to Live Easter. It is a simple book to be used each day of the Easter season. It has a short Scripture, reflection question, and a simple action item to help you live and celebrate Easter.

You can order it here.

5 Habits Changing My Life For the Better

I have often been very proud of myself that I tend to be the type of woman that is a doer, the one who always gets things done. 
A list maker and goal setter, I am always moving and planning for the next step.
I am currently working through a breakup, along with acknowledging some messy, sensitive area's of my life with the Lord that need to die. So basically it is a very Lenty Lent.
Slowly, I am finding a new rhythm. I have made some new female friends and am taking time to reconnect with others.
Part of this grieving, healing, and growing process of this season are making time for healthy habits that are life-giving and good for me.

1. Waking up at the same time (for me that is early) I have been an early riser for the longest time. My goal is everyday to be up at 5am. In all honesty, the last two weeks it has been hit or miss, but it is all about progress not perfection.
After my feet hit the floor, I will wrap up in my robe and head to the coffee maker to get a hot cup of caffeine in my system. While I drink my coffee, sometimes I will look out the window to see the sun rise. Then I head over to my cozy chair for some prayer, reading my Bible, or writing in my journal a bit.
Waking up the same time everyday is a discipline that helps me make sure I am taking care of myself.

2. Peaceful morning routine I like a slow start morning. I know I need to make time to fuel my soul as I start the day.
My favorite way to start the morning is staying in my jammies, reading a good book or my Bible, and drinking several mugs of strong coffee.
Ideally, I try to have some time for prayer and exercise daily.

3. Block schedule my Time I learning how blocking my time for certain things helps me use that amount of time more intentionally.
I have started doing this for different writing projects, cleaning or tidying up, my daily social media use, and even brainstorming for new projects or ideas. Setting timers on my phone for these and other daily tasks is a really helpful tool in making sure I am getting done what needs to get done.

4. Set daily times for social media I remember a time when I could not imagine not having the Facebook app on my phone. I really couldn't imagine deleting it. I know, lame right? Needless to say I am doing just fine with not having it on my phone anymore.
Overall, I think I have a pretty healthy relationship with social media (though I could unsubscribe from a few podcasts).
I only go on Facebook one time a day, usually no more than 30 minutes. I try to give myself one big chunk on Instagram: watch stories, engage with followers, or share pictures.

5. Write down in my planner the days I will exercise  Like each of these, I do not follow them perfectly. 
Typically on Sunday afternoon, I sit down with my planner for the coming week to look at what is coming up. A part of that is looking for which days I can make time to take an exercise class and get some cardio/strength training in.
Looking back on those checkmarks from the days I exercise encourages me and makes me feel good about myself.

Even the smallest habits can lead to a big difference in your day and how you feel about yourself.
What are the habits you cling to in your week?  What habits or healthy choices are making your life better?

Making Meals Restorative When You're Eating By Yourself

"You have everything you need to live a beautiful, meaningful life," a close mentor said to me recently. 

This wisdom has enriched me in many areas of life, and it can be enriching for women in any state of life. But recently there is one simple area of my life that it especially impacted.

As a single woman fresh off of a break-up, one of the most difficult adjustments to my new rhythm is getting used to cooking for another person and eating meals myself when I'm home.

We grow up enjoying most meals with loved ones around us. Even in college, many meals are with friends on campus. But if you live by yourself, or your schedule doesn't always coincide with your roommates' schedules, mealtime can be a necessary routine that is often very lonely.

Learning how to meal plan for one, exercise hospitality, or even eat alone as a single woman can feel uncomfortable. We can find ourselves with too much food to consume in one sitting or even in one week. Setting the worries of the day behind us when we come to the dinner table was easier when there were others at the table with us; it's more difficult when you wish to talk through with someone what happened during the day and there's no one to do that with. Even the practice of sitting at a table can feel purposeless when there aren't other people filling the chairs around you.

READ THE REST OVER AT VERILY . . .