What Every Woman Needs in Her Relational Toolkit

I used to think I knew EXACTLY what went into stable, solid relationships with other people. I thought I knew how to have a healthy, emotional relationship with a guy. I believed I was a pretty faithful friend to those in my life. 
Then life happens.
I began to see major cracks in how I did relationships. All of this led me to see how I was dragging around past wounds and trauma into my current relationships. I saw how easily I would return to controlling and manipulative ways in relationships as a coping mechanism.
Enter Boundaries.


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Frozen, Boundaries, & Why I Am Not in Control

Sunday night is our weekly youth ministry meeting. This past week, I was searching for a good play list on Pandora. In the middle of my searching, the ever famous "Let It Go" from Frozen came on.  So what did I do when a few teens complained?
Naturally I continued to belt it out even louder at the top of my lungs. 
As I was driving home that night, I found myself humming aloud the tune to that song. Sure its catchy and especially fun if you dance around, but I was struck how a popular song from a movie sums up life right now.

Most of my life, I have identified myself as a control freak. 
I don't necessarily do change well, especially unexpected change. I have had my life mapped and figured out since the time I was 10. So what happens when that perfect little plan does not go as expected? 
Well my past history has shown that I freak the freak out...sometimes way out.  Life is teaching me right now you cannot live with every inch charted and graphed out, because when it doesn't go that way (which eventually always happens) you'll be shocked and sorely disappointed. I am learning in a lot ways I can only control me, Patty. 
I cannot control what others think about me or how they act...even though sometimes I wish I could. People fail and disappoint, no matter how hard I try I can never change or control that.  I am a book nut. I have already read 15 books since the new year began. 
By far, perhaps the most life-changing one has been this little gem. Seriously. 
Get your hands on this book. In the last few months, I have become more aware than ever of my good girl-perfection-pleasing-esque ways. I wasted a lot of time in life trying always be the good girl, seek after perfection, and strive to never rock the boat with people in life. Newsflash. That's a draining and unfulfilling way to live life. I have learned (and am still learning) living life with boundaries is a healthy way to do life. 
Boundaries are like fences; they keep out the crazy/bad/unhealthy BUT also prevent me from wandering into someone else's yard which I have no control over. Its a quite magical and freeing concept. I have had some good opportunities to practice boundaries with myself, my husband, friends or non-friends, and extended family.

Life with boundaries and less control? Feels like this.

Living life with healthy boundaries is reminding me that I am not in control of anyone or anything. I can control only me; my reactions, responses, and how I have healthy relationships with other people. Living my one life well and with intentionality is about more serenity and less control...more healthy relationships through boundaries and less crazy-making with nut-job people.
So the next time you find yourself belting out the words to "Let It Go,"remember you really have to let things go in life.  Let go the things you cannot change, but seek the courage to change the things you can.  And always pray for the wisdom to know the difference.
Where in your life do you need to let go of control? What about healthy boundaries? 

How can these tools help you in living a more intentional and joyful life?

14 Things I Learned in 2014

Its amazing how much can happen and change over one year of life. 365 days is certainly not enough time to learn all the lessons needed to become the person God wants me to be. When I was in elementary school, I thought after I graduated I would be done with learning. Not.so. Part of growth and maturity is realizing that we never stop learning and that there is always opportunities to stretch yourself. And 2014 has kind of been a year like that for me.
So here's a quick recap at what I have learned this year...

1. I really should have started being financially responsible a whole heck of a lot sooner. Enter in our new friend, Mr. Dave Ramsey.

2. SERENITY: Something I often suck at, but desire to grow in. I have learned a lot about serenity this year...this prayer has challenged.stretched.and made me more uncomfortable than any other prayer I have ever prayed. It speaks to me so deeply that I set alarms several times a day to stop and really pray these words from the heart.
I dare you to do it! You'll be blown away at what will happen.

3. Connected to serenity is learning to surrender to the will of God. If the Serenity prayer is my mantra, then this prayer comes close behind in second place.I have learned much and wrestled often with the reality of these words in my own life.

4. No Bible, no breakfast. No Bible, no lunch. Making excuses for not praying daily is not helping me become a saint.

5. You waste way too much time in life worrying about what others think about you. At the end of the day, it really only matter what God thinks.

6. BOUNDARIES. Before this past year, I had no freaking idea what boundaries were. Through a lot of situations in the past year, I have learned so much about myself and how to better deal with people. I need boundaries for myself and with all the other people in my life. Boundaries are not selfish or mean, but meant to keep you safe and about staying in your own yard. Oh boundaries how you have helped me become a stronger and healthier person...

7. Choosing one little word for the year really helped me grow in ways I didn't even think imaginable.

8. After many years of being the girl who didn't exercise because I "didn't like to sweat" I took up running this year. like a lot. I put off getting fit and taking care of my body for a long time. I am getting stronger, setting goals, and feeling great doing it...well most days ;)

besties.

9. Sometimes people who you thought were your closest friends or safe people, turn out to not be. And while ending a friendship sucks and is awkward, I see more clearly who are meaningful, treasured friends. I have also been terribly blessed and surprised by new friendships with women who inspire and support me in ways I never imagined.

My safe people. My cheerleaders.

10. Suffering is a bi!$#. Sorry madre for the language. This year I have watched some of the people I love most suffer. Truth be told, I personally have been through what feels like the ringer at times this year. God has and is continuing to teach me.so.much. in this department.

11. Read books more often than you watch T.V. Reading is my drug of choice.

12. Choose how to respond, don't just be reactionary.

13. Dating shouldn't end when you get married, it should flow into married life. Every other week dates are a nice thing. Consider it.

14. My life, marriage, and home do not have to be perfect to be beautiful.

What have you learned this past year? How has 2014 challenged and stretched you?