What Merton is Reminding Me About Being and Doing.

It was the day before Palm Sunday.
I knew I wanted to go to Confession before Easter. 
I also had been driving the spiritual struggle bus for several weeks. Laziness and making excuses in my daily prayer life (or lack thereof) were leading me to feel guilty and beat myself up.
There is a tendency within my spirit to make a personal relationship with God about "doing" lots of spiritual/religious things vs. just showing up and being with God. It is a tendency in my heart that still needs healing and illumination and I know it. 
But when it bubbles up from time time, I get frustrated with myself that Jesus often needs to teach me the same lesson over and over again.

In our diocese, we are blessed that a Capuchin monastery that has Confession available six days a week at several times each day.
So I decided to trek down to Detroit and make an afternoon of Confession and a holy hour.
I was just sitting in the chapel with by Bible and journal, trying to be still and quiet amid the visitors coming in and out.  
I sat with the words from John's Gospel: "One of his disciples, whom Jesus loved, was lying close to the breast of Jesus ..." I imagine myself as the beloved disciple, just talking to Jesus about all the things on my mind right now and about how frustrated and guilty I was feeling spiritually.
I imagined the scene, putting myself in it with Jesus. I sat with it in silence.
As I was still, the phrase "begin again" just kept repeating in my heart. Softly at first, but then with a more firm conviction.
Just begin again.
Begin again. 
There is no need for shame or guilt or self-condemnation. Just begin again.
I felt peace sitting in those two words. And the longer I sat with them, the more I know it was the Spirit gently reminding me to begin again and not be so hard with myself. It was refreshing. 
And I had not even went to Confession yet! :)
I walked over to a long Confession line. Pulling out the spiritual reading I had brought with me, I opened to the chapter I was reading of No Man I An Island by Thomas Merton.
I took me a minute to realize the title of the chapter was "Being and Doing."
This is what I read:  "It is necessary, above all in the beginning of our spiritual life, to do certain things at fixed times: fasting on certain days, prayer and meditation at certain hours of the day, regular examinations of conscience, regularity in frequenting the sacraments, systematic application to our duties of state, particular attention to virtues which are most necessary for us.
To desire a spiritual life is, thus, to desire discipline. Otherwise our desire is an illusion. Our asceticism should make us spiritually flexible, not rigid, for rigidity and liberty never agree. But our discipline must, nevertheless, have a certain element of severity about it. Otherwise it will never set us free from our passions. If we are not strict with ourselves, our own flesh will soon deceive us."
I took a deep breath and smiled.
Yes.
This.
An important reminder I very much needed.
Jesus grow me in spiritual flexibility, not rigidity.


Thanks Thomas Merton for reminding me my relationship with God is not about just the doing.
Thank you Holy Spirit for being more gentle with me than I am with myself.