How I'm Becoming My Best Dating Self (at 34)

I sometimes wish the lessons I know in my mid-thirties were things I knew in my twenties.
I have wondered if I was more emotionally aware and healthy in my twenties, could I have avoided an unhealthy marriage and divorce? How much different would my life look if I learned all these lessons before ever getting married?
My counselor often reminds me that "You know what you know, when you know it. And now, you know differently, so you act differently."

After my divorce, I dated in a much more healthy way than before I had gotten married. I went on a handful of dates before meeting someone and deciding to seriously date each other. While that was the healthiest relationship I ever had with a man, it did not last and I lost my peace about moving forward.
There is not much I would have changed from that relationship. 
As time passed, I began to see things I would want to do differently moving ahead. I saw we became exclusive very quickly and almost as quickly, began talking about marriage and a future life together. I saw some spiritual differences that I realized were more important to me than I initially thought. Very early on, I became emotionally attached to the outcome and automatically assumed this was the man I would marry.

Fast forward to the present.

I am almost a year outside of that relationship I ended last January.
I have been dating again since April.
I recently realized how at 34 years old, I am finally becoming the best version of my dating self. I feel more free to be my authentic self and am finding more joy (and yes enjoyment!) in the dating process.
So what am I learning?! How have I become the best dating version of me?!

1. Dating takes time, practice, and skills. It is okay to go on lots of dates before choosing to be exclusive with someone. We only learn how to become a good dater and trust ourselves with practice. So go on dates, be open, and have fun!
2. I am learning to not become emotionally attached to a man too soon. 
3. I am learning the difference between feminine and masculine energy; what it looks like, means, and how it plays out in dating and romantic relationships.
4. It takes time getting to know someone. The end goal is not to rush or jump into a romantic relationship. Lay the foundation for strong connection and friendship first. Take time in dating to really get to know someone before becoming exclusive with each other.
5. Know what you are looking for. I have two lists to guide me as I have met and went out with different men. I call this my "5 Must-Haves" and "5 Can't-Stands." I know what are the most important traits I am looking for in a partner and what are the things I will not tolerate in a relationship.
6. I am still learning and growing! A dear friend (Mave!)who is a life coach has shared with me a lot she has learned from coaching groups she has attended. I have watched a lot of dating coach videos on YouTube (my favorites are Helena Hart and Anya Grace!) and they have rocked my world in the best possible way. I am learning a lot of practical tools. As I implement them in my life I see how powerful they are. Dating in healthy ways is a continual learning and growing process.
7. I am showing up as my authentic, radiant, feminine self! No games or expectations. My perspective on dating has shifted from a scarcity to abundance mentality. When I am confident and fully alive, I will attract the right kind of man into my life. 
8. I cannot make anything happen with a man. If I am trying to control the situation or "forcing" things to develop, that never works out. My job is to not convince a man he should date me, but just be Patty! Eventually, being my authentic self will attract the right man for me into my life. 
9. While I do want to be married and have a family, my main focus is not to "find the perfect guy." I am living a rich, full life as a single woman and now I know having a man is not what completes me. The focus is no longer the end result of marriage + babies. Instead, the focus is on the beauty and goodness of my current reality. 
10. I am realizing while I have more knowledge and self-awareness, I will (and still do!) make mistakes from time to time. When I encounter this, I try my best to be honest and own my part. Dating is messy and its okay if you make mistakes.
11. Lean back deeply into my own life. Stop obsessing or over-thinking about the guy I went on a few dates with or am starting to like. Lean back into living my rich life and focus on myself. If a man is interested in me I will know, and he will pursue me. My job is not make him want to be with me. That is called manipulation.

I have no idea how long I will be single.  Perhaps the man I will end up with is already in my life or maybe I have yet to meet him.

This much I do know.

I am dating very differently at 34.  I feel it in my bones, there is a shift inside of me.
Yes - there are rough days that feel lonely and scary from time to time. 
Overall I feel happy, content, joyful, and excited where this new attitude of dating and relationships is taking me.
I am no expert in this department, but I think at this stage in life I am finally living my best, healthiest life as a single woman.
No matter how long I am single, that truth is one of the best gifts I can give myself.

The Book on Healthy Marriages that Helps Me as a Single Woman

Over the summer my sister and I were having a conversation. We shared on what we each were like in dating relationships.
She giggled and gently teased me how I like doing things that help build a stronger relationship. I am all about learning about love languages, healthy boundaries, and love maps (thanks Dr. John Gottman!). Maybe it sounds a little bit intense to you. Or perhaps some of this drive comes from having been divorced, and I just want to have healthy, strong relationships moving forward.
I think on some level I need to be a bit more present and let things happen organically as a relationship develops. But I do think there are a lot of great resources in the world to help couples (whether dating or married) to have long-lasting relationships.

So much of what I have learned about relationships in my early thirties, I wish I knew in my twenties. Between reading and therapy, I now know more about things like boundaries, codependency, and healthy sexuality.
And this knowledge has expanded my self-awareness and healing as a woman. Currently single, I regularly take the time to read and educate myself about the tools that make a good relationship great.
When I am in a serious relationship, I want to put into practice everything I have learned.
But when I reflect on which book has taught me the most about healthy relationships, I find myself returning to the work of Dr. John Gottman. Most especially his bestseller,  The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 

READ MORE OVER AT VERILY  . . .

Advent, Dating, & Life... Oh My!

This time of year is my jam. 
If it could be Fall all year long, I would be the happiest of happy campers.
With all this talk around the autumnal season, it feels weird to start talking about Advent.

A few weeks ago, Blessed is She launched their new devotional for both the Advent + Christmas seasons - All the Generations. The theme this year is healing in families. At the heart of All the Generations, are Scripture passages that introduce you to the lineage of Jesus and encouragement to reflect on and pray for your own family.
We walk through the story of Jesus' own family tree, while reflecting on our own families' stories and how they have influenced our lives. We will also face and address the messy parts of what it means to be a part of a family. 

This year's Advent Journal is written by the entire Blessed is She team. Each daily reflection from a different woman, sharing her perspective and experience on healing in the family. Along with a unique reflection each day, there is a Scripture with some questions to more deeply pray with. I hope you will join us this Advent + Christmas season.
If you are wanting to purchase yourself a copy, thank you for using my affiliate link. :)



Ahhh Dating.
Apparently I am now sharing the highs and lows of my adventures in dating via Insta - stories. I may regret it, but it seems to connect with some...so why the heck not? I am using special hash tags #helpmestjoseph #swipingforsaints #theologyoftheswipes
I have mostly had weird - bad dates. However, I was pleasantly surprised with not one but two great dates last weekend! The word on the street is there will be two more second dates. ;)
Someday when I write my memoir, there is going to be a whole chapter on the wonderful world of online dating.


Life is grand.
My sister and I are working on a fun, new creative project together...well we've been at it since the summer. I am hoping in the next few weeks we can share it.
I have received some new freelance writing opportunities. One of my best friends Christina is coming to visit me the last weekend in October. 
I am reading good books, enjoying the smells of my autumnal candles, and getting excited to help at the Trunk or Treat party at my parish on Halloween.




What is new and exciting in your life?

I hope these autumn months are full of good and happy things for you in your own life! :)