I've talked around here before that a recent-ish spiritual lesson I am learning is that I can be controlling with God.
Like a lot.
In my spiritual journey I have struggled over the years with the doing vs. being with God. My perfectionist nature whispers to me if I "do" lots of churchy, holy things than I am more pleasing to God. I have to come before Him a certain way.
And while I have grown in this area, it still catches me off guard from time to time.
But this illusion of control with Jesus, is something He is gently reminding and re-reminding of ever since my first Ignatian retreat this past Lent.
Over the end of the summer, I was struggling a little: feeling insecure about being on my own right now, dating, not getting a job I wanted, and just second guessing myself in general.
As I kept coming back to Jesus in my journal and personal prayer, I kept hearing in my heart "I see you. I have not forgotten you."
And my response to the Lord?
I got angry and annoyed.
Really Patty?!
Yup.
I basically brushed it off: "Oh yeahhhh that's nice and sweet and precious of you Jesus, but not really what I wanted to hear." I more or less told the Lord that wasn't what I NEEDED to hear.
I complained and whined about what I really wanted or thought was best to hear from the Lord. #controllingmuch
Thank goodness for wise, gentle spiritual teachers in my life who told me to go back and ask the Lord why I was so resistant to hearing Him speak those words to me. I did that and God had to humble my heart. He took me back to wounds that still need healing.
I am slowly realizing when I try to control Jesus that I cannot fully receive from Him.
In Matthew's Gospel, Jesus turns to Peter and says "you are an obstacle to me."
I've always heard the part right before where Jesus in reference to Peter says, "Get behind me Satan!"
But the being an obstacle part, that recently cut me to the heart at Mass one Sunday. And for me it again goes back to this illusion of control with God.
As I took those words of the Gospel to prayer, an image kept coming to mind.
I was looking down at Jesus from above and He was trying to walk forward on the road. But he couldn't because at his feet, was this rambunctious, high-energy little puppy dog running circles around his feet. Chasing her tail or trying to nip at his ankles, the puppy was just being a puppy dog.
Not anything bad or naughty, but Jesus couldn't walk ahead because the puppy was so absorbed in being...well a puppy!
The Lord gently showed me I was that little puppy dog, being an obstacle to Jesus. It was not shaming at all, but a gentle prompt. Another reminder to get out of His way and stop trying to control my life or the circumstances around me.
We cannot control God.
If we think we can we have made God into our own image.
While its an awkward and difficult lesson to keep learning it has been healing in a lot ways at the same time.
Jesus, I want to be able to receive from You...not control You.
Please show me (and all of us!) the difference...
The last few months I've been riding the struggle bus to keep a regular writing pace here.
Summer has been fun and relaxing, and if I don't have really anything to say I don't want to clutter things with filler posts.
So turning 32 over the weekend seemed as good a time as any to reflect on the goings on around here lately.
On Saturday I turned 32 and celebrated my sister' Annie's baby shower. It was a beautiful day, but the highlight was most definitely being asked to be godmommy to #juniorschunior, my little niece or nephew. I started crying and told my sister this was the seriously the best birthday present I could get.
We all sealed the deal with a group hug along with my brother who is the godfather. Did I mention my Dad (who is a Catholic deacon) will get to baptize his first grandchild too!? #itsgonnabeapartyyyy #cannotwait
Later that night I went out with one of my dearest friends Sarah and we caught up on all the life things. Sunday my Mom came to Mass with me and we grabbed lunch in the city with my Pops afterwards. And later that night, I wandered over to Belle Isle for Mass 2.0 and a huge taco party with tons of young adults.
So yeah dating...is interesting.
I feel so different doing from a perspective of healing and wholeness vs. insecurity and neediness. Counseling for the win!
I have been on a few dates here and there and even been awkwardky hit on by an old man in a coffee shop after church once. My favorite date story so far has been the guy that picked a wedgie within two feet of the table while en route to the bathroom.
Ummmmmmm no.
BUH. BYE. sweetie pie.
While those lonely moments creep in every now and then, I know I am right where I'm supposed to be. I am just living my life without living to find someone.
I had my first freelance piece published in America Magazine. You know its good when it ruffles the feathers of Catholic folks from the left and right ;)
I did a workshop at Blessed Is She on Boundaries a few months back and am preparing for a few talks I'm giving this Fall at two different parishes. I am hoping to start to do more writing and speaking on the side to bring in a little extra money and slowly work that inky stinky debt snowball.
Youth Ministry starts up again full-time this Sunday and will be more busy from now to about Thanksgiving. This Saturday the leadership teens wanted to have a king party together where we hang out, bake good food, and eat it together.
Sounds fun to me!
Its about 5 weeks till my marathon debut on October 15. I have gotten a couple long runs under my belt and was SHOCKED how good I felt after my 16 and 18 mile runs.
Extra Strength Bengay, you're my new bestest friend.
Oh and bacon. All the bacon.
At the end of September, the Blessed Is She is getting together again for a retreat in Wisconsin and I cannot freaking wait to see these lovely women again.
Overall life is in a good, beautiful place. Perfectly the way I desire it?
No. But that is not how life goes.
One thing the Lord has been teaching lately in prayer is when I try to control Him it prevents me from receiving from Him.
So I am gently trying to live out of that truth day by day...
Hope you're starting to enjoy some of the beautiful Fall weather too! :)
Sometimes I think Christians struggle to have certain difficult pastoral conversations well.
We don't know how to talk about certain things because we struggle with the language or its just plain awkward and messy.
But sometimes the most awkward, messy conversations are the most important ones we need to be having.
Enter Whispered in the Dark.
My friend Danielle and I are introducing a new workshop to the Archdiocese of Detroit--a workshop for the empowerment and support of women who find themselves seriously dating/married to a man who addicted to porn.
If we as a Church want to help young women today date smart and form strong holy marriages, we have to talk about one of the biggest killers to good Christian relationships and marriages. Roughly 60% of marriages that end in divorce, porn use played a role.
It is not an easy topic to talk about. We as a Church have be on the front lines.
We have to be willing to talk about the painful stuff.
We have compiled a morning of compassionate, informative professionals who will talk about sexual addiction 101, testimonies from women whose relationships have been impacted, list of resources/books/counselors/where to turn for help, teaching from sound spiritual leaders who understand the connection between addiction and spirituality.
Maybe you don't deal with this personally, but the statistics STRONGLY suggest that you know someone who does. And she probably doesn't know how to talk to you about it.
If you have young daughters, nieces, goddaughters, granddaughters, etc. this is the culture they will be growing up in: pornography, objectification, sexual abuse and manipulation, and misogyny.
If you have young women in your life you care about, this is something you need to be educated about. And if you happen to live in or near Southeastern Michigan, I would really love you to come on September 23...and help us spread the word!
One of the greatest lies is for Satan to confuse us and make us feel alone; like we are the only one going through something. I know I felt this way many times when I was in the middle of it when I was married.
If you do not live near SE Michigan, please pray and fast for us. We have never done this before. We have no idea how many women will come, but Danielle and I see it as such an urgent need for the Church to speak into more.
#bringallthewomen #pleasejesus
At the end of the day, this is something we are all facing, since we are all a part of the Church together.
And for the sake of young women you care about, be educated so you can help empower and educate her.
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