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21 December 2019

What I Needed to Unlearn About Catholic Dating

It needs to be said.


There are some weird, unhealthy, and toxic attitudes out and about in the world about Catholic dating.

Dating, especially online, already comes with unique challenges. But throwing in the factor of being a Catholic woman (or man) brings its own set of unique experiences.


There is one particular memory of I have when I was in my mid twenties, that for me, captures much of what was unhealthy that I absorbed in terms of dating and Catholic culture around that.

I am sitting in my mom's gray Sable in the parking lot of the first parish I worked at. 

I was listening to a CD and the talk was being given by the wife of a well-know Catholic writer, professor, and speaker.

Her talk was about dating, courting, and marriage. The point I most remember was something to the effect of: After you date a man for about six months, you should have a pretty good sense if you want to pursue marriage. If that is the case, he would begin to court you, and eventually in the near future you would get engaged and then get married.

(Before going any further, I am not saying people who date and marry quickly are doing it wrong or you cannot find lasting love that way.)

While maybe this was not the point the speaker was trying to make, the point is that is how I as a naive, very inexperienced woman (in relation to men) received and internalized what was said.


I have wanted to be a wife and a mom from the time I was a very little girl. 

But as I look back on my own pscyho-sexual development and lack of experience with men before marriage (not referring to sex), I realized there were a lot of unhealthy perspectives and beliefs I gravitated to as a young woman.

I dated two men before I married. 

One was for eight months and the other just a handful. 
In dating my former husband, there were a lot of red flags I missed in his words and actions. And honestly, while we never had sex before marriage we were not the most chaste while together. In many ways, I think those choices further clouded my better judgment in my choice of a spouse. 

I came into marriage at 26 very naive about my own body as a woman and my sexuality. 

I was insecure, codependent, wanted to be loved, and thought the "right" Catholic man could fulfill in me in all the ways that I did not love or value about myself.

I had no awareness of things like the importance of consent, abuse, or manipulation when it came to a sexual relationship between spouses. 

I had no sense of my own voice to express what I liked, did not like, or was uncomfortable with when it came to our sexual relationship.


Why share all of this?


Because our sexual templates as men and women are formed and shaped by our attitudes and experiences. These were some of things that play a piece in my story.

Now I realize we bring all of this stuff with us into dating and how we navigate that.

It is now at the ripe age of 34 I am able to see the negative, even toxic, messaging I absorbed as Gospel truth when it came to dating, sexuality, and marriage.

What were some of the unhealthy things I have had to unlearn about dating?

  • Date with the intent to marry. All I am trying to say is saying that to an 18 or 22 year old is confusing, not helpful, and I would say spiritually abusive.
  • The whole concept of courting.
  • Needing a spouse to complete me. This has done more harm to me in more ways than I can verbalize.
  • Finding the "perfect Catholic guy" will make everything picture perfect. (False).
  • The idolization of marriage.
  • The idolization of virginity and lack of compassionate care for those who had sex before marriage.
  • The idea that men and women cannot be friends.
  • Marriage is not the end-all, be-all.
  • Assuming that a woman is responsible for the moral character of the relationship.
  • Just because a man appears to be a "good Catholic guy" does not mean he is a good person...or a good Catholic for that matter.
  • Taking dating too seriously. It is a date, not a lifetime commitment.
  • You have to date and marry a Catholic.
  • Do not go on lots of dates. Date only one person at a time.
  • Flirting and being honest about your feelings as a woman is not wrong or shameful.

There is a lot to think about and unlearn when it comes to this stuff in my own life.

More and more, I find myself sharing and talking with other Catholic men and women. Many have similar experiences. Just many others have different ones.

The older I get the more I understand there are messages and beliefs I need to release and let go of because they were unhealthy, toxic, or hurtful to my own identity as a woman.

Maybe you are in the same boat as me, or perhaps you are not.



Are there ideas or concepts when it came to dating as a Catholic/Christian that were unhealthy in your journey?


Is there anything else you would add?


I am fascinated by this conversation and topic right now, and am interested to hear what the experience was like for other women and men.
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105 comments:

  1. I was single until I married my husband a year and 8 months ago at the tender age of 49! You are correct in saying young women should not be given these precepts of dating. I struggled with that for MANY years. The concept of marriage is the ultimate goal was detrimental. Why? Because there were many men I met who were people I really liked and could have remained good friends had i not just felt that if they weren't marriage material, then out the door and good riddance. It also took me a long time to discover that online dating was not sinful or evil. I met my current husband online! Third, we need to do a better job of welcoming older, single people in the church community. Often most activities for women are centered on children or family outings/get togethers. It became very lonely at church functions!

    Love your articles. Even though I'm married now, it's still a topic near and dear to my heart.

    Blessings!
    Maria

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    1. Hi Maria! This is so beautiful and encouraging! Thank you for sharing this...and yes, I whole-heartedly agree on we HAVE to do a better job on connecting with and welcoming older single Catholics.

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  2. Dear Patty.
    My name is Julia and I just came across your post.

    I just want to thank you with all my heart for your perspective. I have been wishing for a looong time that someone would speak about those things.

    I am 24 and SO confused about dating, being a Catholic woman. There are so many different voices in that area. I have been really discouraged about relationships because of that. I have a similar story with being in a relationship and then breaking up because something seems so wrong... I had this idea that when I would meet a Catholic guy, it would be perfect. He turned out to be emotionally immature and manipulative.

    So thank you for being raw and sharing your experience. I am so sick of all the toxic voices in the church, that don't bring God's peace. I feel like either feminism is creeping in to those or that marriage is everything, and has to be done at a certain age........
    And there are also a lot of paradoxes. I feel like Catholic bloggers love to show off nowadays. For example they tell young girls "You don't need to have a husband to be happy" but all they are doing are writing about marriage and posting those perfect pictures on instagram with their partners and children. Noone talks about difficulties in marriage. Noone talks about hard topics, but everyone is ideolizing it. I am sick of listening to all the voices and I just want to follow God's voice..
    I wish I had a wise woman like you in my life that has told me not to rush into a relationship just because i feel "It is time and I am getting old". I wish I had not spent all my years from 15 till now chasing a boyfriend that would fulfill me.

    Thank you for this post.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Julia, Wow, thanks so much for sharing with me. I really appreciated what you said about the toxic voices not bringing peace...I have felt that way too as I sort through my experience and let go what I did not find helpful. I agree it gets frustrating and old when often it feels like the happily married Catholic women with kids tell single women "you don't need a husband," sometimes that being single dynamic is weird and messy. I am go grateful you found htis validating. Thanks friend <3

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  4. Here's another good one to add to your list:

    "The reason I'm single is that no Catholic guy has the courage to ask me out. I guess none of them have any guts." As if Mr. Iconic Catholic Gentleman will come up to you in public, on a white horse, and ask to have this dance.

    Even if you were to want to uphold the practice of the man asking the woman out initially, real human interpersonal interactions never happen with one party totally passive.

    And honestly, most people in society meet their spouse by accidentally falling in love with someone at school or work. Most people don't play high stakes dating games.

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  62. How I Got My Ex Husband Back........... My Names is Monique Curry ,AM from United states .i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in June last year on a business summit i meet a man called Dr ogboni, is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love s gone misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job i m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 4weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3 year i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try and in 6 days when i returned to taxes my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married i didn't believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help his email address:psychiclukke@gmail.com
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    My name is Andrea Ramsay from USA My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about a month of not speaking to him I became sad. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me and not her. I contacted PSYCHIC for a love spell and he totally helped me! he was able to get him to miss me to where he wanted to get back together again. He had a lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in general. He values our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of PSYCHIC contact him through hispsychiclukke@gmail.com
    WhatsApp number is:+17722815026

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  65. I'm Tonia Anderson by name, I am from the States, Suffolk county to be precise. I am here today to testify of the good works LORD ZAKUZA has done in my life, I never knew great men still exist until I found him. I have been suffering from heart break for the past 3 years, my partner who I invested on cheated on me with my best friend on my matrimonial bed, I was yet to recover from this terrible shock and needed help to make him stop cheating. A friend of mine directed me to this spell caster called Lord Zakuza. I doubted him at first but as things went further, I had to give him my trust and did exactly as he told me to do. Ever since then, I have been happy all my life and my love life with my partner has been so wonderful. You can also need his help for anything and here's his contact information. WhatsApp: +1 740 573 9483, Email: lordzakuza7 @ gmail. com, Website: lordzakuzaspells.com

    ReplyDelete
  66. I want to thank the great ONIHA for what he did for me. He brought happiness back into my life. My boyfriend left me and told me is over I was devastated as I loved him so much I decided to contact a spells caster and I met a friend who told me of a great doctor called Dr Oniha and I decided to contact him and he told me in three days my boyfriend will call me and beg me to accept him I thought he was joking, in three days everything happened as he said I am so happy now and grateful to you Dr Oniha. You too can also contact Dr Oniha for any kind of relationship problem he can also help you solve your problem.
    Email: onihaspelltemple@gmail.com
    Call/Whatsapp number: +16692213962
    Website: http://onihaspells.com

    ReplyDelete
  67. Getting pregnant is not as difficult as we all think, I wasn't able to have my own baby for over the years I was married, I got so depressed because I saw myself crashing everyday. i visited different doctors just known what the problem is and i got a result that i was having ovarian cysts and i will not be able to have a child again, it really got to me and i met a friend of mine whom i talked to about my problems and she introduced me to DR ORIANE. 
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  68. After seeing a post on the internet saying how she was helped by Dr. Ilekhojie, I also decided to contact him for help because i had no choice all i wanted was for me to get my lover back and happiness. To my greatest surprise my lover came home on his knees that i should find a place in my heart to forgive him, I was truly astonished and shocked when my lover knelt down begging for forgiveness and for me to accept him back. I am really short of expressions, and I don't know how much to convey my appreciation to you Dr. Ilekhojie. You are a God sent to restore a broken relationship, And now i am a joyful woman. his contact details are Whatsapp number +2348147400259) or Email; (gethelp05@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete
  69. I am Ivanka Fabijan, i was married to my husband Amos Fabijan, i love him so much we have been married for the past 8 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Mary, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage any more. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don't know what to do until I met my friend miss pasha and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called Dr Isikolo love spell who cast a spell on his ex and bring him back to her after 2 days. she ask me to contact Dr Isikolo love spell for help. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that he will restore the love and connection between and he did it and my husband returned back home to me after 48 hours. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact Dr Isikolo email: isikolosolutionhome@gmail.com You can also WhatsApp him on +1(725)240-4536

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  70. I want to share my testimony to everyone After being in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years,he broke up with me,I did everything possible to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so much because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused. I explained my problem to someone online and she suggested that I should rather contact a spell caster that could help me cast a spell to bring him back but I am the type that never believed in spell, I had no choice than to try it, I mailed the spell caster, and he told me there was no problem that everything will be okay before three days, that my ex will return to me he cast the spell and surprisingly in the second day, it was around 5pm. My ex called me, I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that happened, that he wanted me to come back, that he loves me so much. I was so happy and went to him, Contact him now for your relationship or marriage problems,

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  71. After being married for four years, My husband just decide to walk away. I did everything within my reach to bring him back but all was in vain, I wanted him back so badly because of the love I have for him, I begged him with everything, I made promises but he refused.I explained my problem to my friend and she suggested that I should rather contact Dr Ilekhojie that he could help me cast reconciliation spell to bring him back. I had no choice than to try it. I messaged Dr Ilekhojie and he assured me there was no problem and that everything will be okay before three days. He cast the spell and surprisingly on the second day, my husband called me. I was so surprised, I answered the call and all he said was that he was so sorry for everything that had happened he wanted me to return to him. You can also contact Dr Ilekhojie if you need help

    1) Love Spells
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    3) Divorce Spells
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    6) Breakup Spells

    WhatsApp Dr Ilekhojie on (+2348147400259) or Email (gethelp05@gmail.com)

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  72. I suffered heart break when my husband left home to be with another lady in her apartment without caring for me and our lovely daughter. I had to do 3 shifts every day to pay my bills and also take care of my daughter. Last month, I came across an article online saying how Dr. Mkuru have been so helpful to a lots of people in the restoration to their broken love lives. I contacted him through this Email: [dr.baba.mkurulovespellcaster@gmail.com] and he told me that he will restore my marriage within 24 hours with his magical powers and I believed in his words that my husband will come back and “wow”, within 17 hours after I contacted Dr. Mkuru, my husband came back begging saying he didn’t know what came over him that he’s sorry and promised never to abandon I and our daughter again I am so grateful to him for restoring my marriage.. WhatsApp this number +2349075998982 for more inquiries if you need his help.....visit his Blog; https://drmkuruonlinespellcaster.blogspot.com/

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  73. My Boyfriend started going out with other girls and showing me cold love, on several occasions he threatens to broke-up with me if I dare question him about his affair with other girls, I was totally devastated and confused until an old friend of mine told me about a spell caster on the internet Dr Ilekhojie who help people with their relationship and marriage problem by the powers of love Spells, At first I doubted If such thing ever exists but decided to give it a try, When I contact him, he told me everything I needed to do and I did and he helped me cast a reconciliation spell and within 28 Hours my boyfriend came back to me and started apologizing, now he has stopped going out with girls and he is with me for good. Here’s his contact.. CALL/WHATSAPP: +2348147400259 Email: (gethelp05@gmail.com)

    ReplyDelete
  74. I don't really know how to thank Dr Isiramen enough for what he has done for me. My husband ignored me and went back to his mistress for the past 3 months. If not for the intervention of Dr Isiramen, i wouldn't have gotten back my husband. He's powerful spell brought back my husband within 48 hours. Is there anyone out there who needs to get back to he's or her lover back? Then, I suggest that you get in touch with Dr isiramen for more information or help contacts himvia:drisiramen@hotmail.com or call or whatsaap: +17072613058 for help

    ReplyDelete
  75. To everyone out there who thinks love spells don't work, I’m here to tell you that Lord Zakuza love spell is the best and most powerful.. I am a wealthy man who has lots of assets and possessions but I have difficulty with women. Whenever I try to settle down with any, we end up breaking up and I had no idea of why I was going through such an experience in my relationship. It was so worrying that I couldn’t be myself anymore and I started searching for help everywhere even at my place of work. I was going through my work activities online and I came across a testimony of a lady called ( Febe Anouk ) regarding how Lord Zakuza helped her to restore her relationship with his love spell, I had to give it a try because I needed my Ex lover back that I love so much. I visited Lord Zakuza website online and I told him everything I was going through. Lord Zakuza consoled me and promised to help me out with my situation by preparing a love spell for me. I followed the instructions given by him to me and within 48 hours, my Ex lover came looking for me and pleaded for forgiveness. Since I came in contact with Lord Zakuza, things have changed for good in my life and right now, I am married with two beautiful kids and my home is blessed. All thanks to Lord Zakuza I am forever thankful to you. Visit his website for any help via lordzakuzaspells.com or WhatsApp him on +1 740-573-9483. Try him and your life will be blessed.

    ReplyDelete
  76. I want to acknowledge Lord Bubuza for his help, he has made my cheating boyfriend stop cheating with his spell. My boyfriend was cheating and disrespectful, Our relationship was stressful and we broke up 3 times before I contacted lord Bubuza for help via WhatsApp: +1 505 569 0396. I told him my relationship problems and he promised to help me with his spell and told me what I needed to do. It was very surprising and shocking because 15 hours after I did as lord Bubuza instructed, my boyfriend came back begging me on his knees to forgive and accept him back. My boyfriend doesn't cheat or disrespect me anymore. I am making this testimony because I made a vow to myself that if lord Bubuza helps me that I will testify about him to the world. He is a god on Earth, He can help you too. Contact him via WhatsApp: +1 505 569 0396 or via email: lordbubuzamiraclework @ hotmail . com

    ReplyDelete
  77. I'm so very grateful to Dr oluba, for bringing my husband who left me for another woman, that moment my husband Left me I thought I lost everything until a friend of my gave me Dr oluba, WhatsApp contact, I messaged him and told him the pain I was going through so he told me that everything was going to be fine that if I have the faith and believe in him that the spell will surely work for me and my husband will surely come back home and he told me what to do, so those things were done and 24 hrs later my husband came back home begging for my forgiveness, am so happy and grateful to Dr oluba, if you need his help email him at olubasolutiontemple@gmail.com or WhatsApp him +1(518)293-0860...

    ReplyDelete
  78. This is a testimony that I will tell to everyone to hear, I have been married four 4years and on the fifth year of my marriage, another woman had a spell to take my lover away from me and my husband left me and the kids and we have suffered for 2years until I met a post where Dr Osita have helped someone and I decided to give her a try to help me bring my lover back home and believe me I just send my picture to her and that of my husband and after 48 hours as she have told me, I saw a car drove into the house and behold it was my husband and he have come to me and the kids and that is why I am happy to make every one of you in similar to meet with her and have your lover back message her below. please kindly contact her via email: drositamiraclespell@gmail.com Or WhatsApp on +15088120454.

    Specialized on the following spells
    *Love Spells
    *Marriage Spells
    *Money Spells
    *Beauty Spells
    *Wealth Spells
    *Sexual Attraction Spells
    *Hiv Cure Spells
    *Casino Spells
    *Remove Curse Spells
    *Protection Spells
    *Lottery Spells
    *Goodluck Spells
    *Fertility Spells.....

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  82. Good day to you all.. I'm here to share my experience to everybody around the world because I know that someone out there needs this today. I've been with my girlfriend for 3 years and everything was fine with us that we don't have to fight or quarrel for anything. My girlfriend got a new job and after 2 months of her new job, I noticed some changes in her. Few weeks before my birthday, my girlfriend broke up with me for another man. I never expected such from her. I was in severe pain and needed help urgently. I searched for help online and found Lord Zakuza who is a spell caster. I told him everything I was going through and he understood me well. He told me that he will prepare a love spell for me that will get my girlfriend back within 48 hours and he explained to me how it was going to be done and I agreed. He prepared the love spell for me and my girlfriend returned back to me begging me for forgiveness within 48 hours. I was shocked and happy and I accepted her back.. We are back together and everything is going fine. I want to thank Lord Zakuza for his help by sharing this testimony online for other people to find help too in any area of their lives. Get in touch with him with the below details.. For he's good at what he does.

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  83. It's been many years since my wife left me. We have had little to no communication. When we do talk it's very short and direct. Last month we were at a theme park for our grandsons' birthdays. We had some conversations, though short we talked. Since then, she has shut me out again. I believe this is guilt and shame. When we do see each other, she turns away to not look at me. A couple of days ago she was dropping our daughter off at home. As she left, I cried out to DR ISIRAMEN the great spell caster to bring her back. who finally brought back my wife within 48 hours after the love spell has be casted Please I want to tell everyone who is looking for any solution to their problem in marriage to contact the great spell caster Dr ISIRAMEN, I advice you to kindly consult this spell caster, he is real, he is powerful and whatever the spell caster tell is what will happen, because all what the spell caster told me came to pass. You can kindly contact him on email: drisiramen@hotmail.com or call or wha+17072613058 to solve your problem. I PROMISE YOU WILL COME BACK HERE TO THANK HIM TOO

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  86. Life has not been easy with me after my marriage was broken when my husband filled for a divorced but I thank God for using LORD ZAKUZA who's like a God on Earth to get my broken marriage restored with his powerful spell. I suffered for depression for 6 months but today, I am so happy for getting to know LORD ZAKUZA for his spell has really made me to believe that of a truth spells are real and they work. I adhered to every bit of instructions given to me by LORD ZAKUZA for he promised me that he will make me happy and proud and really, all that happened and my husband came back to me with his knees on the ground begging me for forgiveness within 48 hours after I got in touch with him and now we are perfectly bonded again for life. I can boldly say to everyone out there that LORD ZAKUZA spells is really the best and most powerful. I'm forever grateful to him till the end of time. So, you can get connected with him on WhatsApp with this number +1 (740) 573-9483 or Email via: Lordzakuza7@gmail.com

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  87. Words will not be enough for me to appreciate Doctor Abolo of Abolospell@gmail.com who lived in Africa, for the successful spells he have been casting for me, I have never trust any anybody, the way I trust him. This great dr was the one that saved my marriage. If you use him, I promise you will trust him too. Any spells he cast for me are 100%. I see results the same day. He also cured me from a deadly virus (HSV), a virus I known as a medical doctor that I am, it don’t have cure, he cured a patient I introduced to him to get pregnant after 15 years of marriage. He has active herbal remedies for diseases, infection and viruses. you can get him via; Email:Abolospell@gmail.com or you may decide to send him a msg on whatsapp here +27743411428. thanks doctor you are the best.

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  88. My life was complicated because I was no longer getting the love and affection I deserve from my boyfriend. June 5, 2002 he said it was over between us, my heart was shattered. I spoke to my friend about it and she told me how Lord Bubuza restored her relationship with his spell so I contacted him immediately on WhatsApp: +1 505 569 0396, I told him my problem and he promised to help me with his spell. I followed his instructions and 16 hours after the spell was casted my boyfriend came back crying and begging me to forgive and accept him back. It's 20 years now since lord Bubuza helped me and we are happily married with kids now. Don't give up on your relationship/marriage, contact lord Bubuza for help via WhatsApp: +1 505 569 0396 or email: lordbubuzamiraclework @ hotmail . com

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